Essence of My Heart
by ambernatasha
Summary: She hates him. He loves her. What unimaginable tragedy can bring Lily Evans and James Potter together? And will Lily survive to have the chance to tell James how she really feels about him? Read and Review
1. An Unforgettable Moment

**Essence of My Heart**

_A Harry Potter Fan-Fiction_

_By Amber-Natasha21_

**Chapter 1: An Unforgettable Moment**

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Hi everyone, I just would like to start off and say, this may not be the best fan-fiction that you have ever read. This is currently only my second fan-fiction story so I am not expecting a lot of response. Especially at looking at how much response my other fan-fiction received in its early days. But anyway, I would also like to give you a little back ground information about the story that you are about to read.

I decided to write this in Lily Evans, and James Potter's seventh year at Hogwarts in hope to portray my view of how things were for them. Whether I accomplish that or not, I can only hope that I do. This story, as most other Lily/James Fan-Fics are all based on the romance between them. Well I plan to continue that idea on a whole new level. I plan to show the trials and tribulations of there relationship as they grow as both enemies, friends and also a couple. Which order those may be in, you will find out as you read.

In this story I also hope to show how Voldemort began his rampage for power, how his quest to hunt down all muggleborn began and how the future in the Wizarding World was forever changed by one boy. Yes this is not only the story of Lily Evans and James Potter as Hogwarts Students but also as Adults and later Parents. This is the story of an unending struggle between right and wrong. And where better to start It when the madness began, but right at Hogwarts in the year 1976.

I would also like to state, as my LAST statement that I DO NOT OWN the Harry Potter character nor do I claim that I do so. Now…..Let the story begin!

* * *

_I miss you  
__Miss you so bad  
I don't forget you  
Oh it's so sad. _

_I hope you can hear me  
I remember it clearly.  
__The day you slipped away.....  
Was the day i found  
It, won't be the same  
__  
I didn't get around to kiss you  
Goodbye on the hand  
I wish that I could see you again  
I know that I can'tI hope you can hear me  
Cause I remember it clearly _

_-Slipped Away(This describes the way James feels at the end of this chapter3)_

* * *

**Narrator's POV**

Making her way across Kings Cross Station she felt the eyes of everyone in a 500 feet radius staring after her in amazement. She was a fairly short young woman with long auburn hair cascading down her back, swaying gently as she walked. The girl was wearing skinny jeans that complemented her every figure, and a low cut emerald halter top that showed just enough cleavage and she was wearing a pair of black boots. A brand name Muggle designer bag was in one hand as she was pushing a luggage cart in front of her.

Her eyes wandered as she started off into the barrier. This would be the last time she would ever step foot on this plat-form again as a Hogwarts student at least, who was headed off to another year of magical wonders. She could barley grasp the feeling. She had finally made It to be a 7th year and she was Head Girl at that. All the trails and hard work had paid off. She had finally made it alive. And for that she was very grateful. Each day was filled with a surprise all its own. Of course…That was the beauty and the down fall behind the magical world. Anything and everything you could possibly ever imagine could happen.

Taking a deep breath she walked forward. Within a matter of seconds Lily Evans was greeted with an all to familiar scene. There before her stood the great, magnificent Hogwarts Express. So many memories were brought back to her by just the sight of this train. Both good and bad memories. Thankfully they were mostly good. At least those that had nothing to do with the group, the infamous group, The Marauders as they called themselves.

So much had changed in the past summer that is was hardly believable that it was the same Lily Evans. For starters. Her appearance. Lily had always been what her mother described as a late bloomer, or a blossoming flower as she always used to say. Well that was an understatement. Lily had always been fairly small. Most girls had been jealous of her naturally small frame, but Lily hated because she was always, no matter what referred to as nothing but skin and bones.

And just looking at her, you could easily see how people thought that. Well…at least you were able to see it. That was no longer present in her present appearance. Although Lily was still slender. She no longer looked like the 12 year old like she had in the previous years. Now being supported by her 5' 3'' frame was a young woman who could easily be mistaken as a 21 year old model. (There is a before and after picture on my profile). Lily had grown in more ways than one in that one summer.

For instance, she now had curves, and well defined curves at that. Those which every girl in existence would die for. Lily knew as she started this year that there would defiantly be some talk about her new appearance. And she wasn't afraid because she was proud for the first time in her life of how she looked. Another was her chest. No one could deny before that Lily had not had one of the most 'profound' chest at Hogwarts, but now….she had went from a full A cup to a C. Of course Lily could tell that the guys weren't complaining about how she looked.

A thought had crossed her mind near the end of the summer what James Potter would say about her new look. Smiling she let that thought yet again cross her mind. James had been asking her out since their 3rd year at Hogwarts, and every time she had rejected him. Lily and James had a rocky relationship. Mainly impart to the way he treated others. Like he was king of the world and Lily hated it. She never understood how someone could be so arrogant. But in their 6th year, James had gained a whole new trust with Lily, not that she would ever admit it as long as she was living.

She could remember the event like it had happened just the previous day. She had been on patrol on the 3rd floor corridor. It was getting near the end of her patrol when she heard a loud group of students coming toward her. With her wand held out in front of her she was that it was a group of students that included none other than her some what friend Severus Snape and a few of his 'friends'.

**FLASHBACK:**

"Oh look what we have here boys" Goyle laughed as he turned to look at each of his other friends, all of whom were laughing with him. "Its Evans"

Lily glared at each of them as she pulled her wand a little higher trying to scare them just the least bit, " Go on to your House, its nearing curfew and I would have to awake Professor Slughorn and tell him a few of his students were out of bed at an untimely hour" Lily stated.

The others simply laughed. " Oh you would love just a reason to go visit your favorite teacher. Old Slughorn would just love that wouldn't he? Being awoken at an untimely hour by you." One of the others, that Lily couldn't clearly see sneered.

"Just go before I give you all detention for not listening to a prefects orders." she stated as she moved to the left so they could move past her.

They shook their heads laughing but they continued by her. It was then that she saw Snape at the very back. Grabbing his arm lightly she held him back " What are you doing with them Sev? You know that they are Death Eaters. Why do you still hang out with them?"

Severus looked at her with a downward glance. "Its my choice who I want to be friends with, and I know what I am doing so just stay out of it Evans." Snape muttered as he pulled his arm out of her grip. Lily felt the sting of her words. That was the first time that he had ever called her by her surname. Yes other people called her that, but not Sev. They had been friends since before Hogwarts and every time he had called her Lily. He had been the one to tell her that she was a witch.

"I am just looking out for you Severus. You know what they do." Lily began when Snape cut her off in the middle of her statement.

"Just back off. I don't need a stupid worthless Mudblood telling me who I need to hang around with." The words had slipped from his mouth before he even realized what he had said.

Lily's eyes reflected grief and hurt. She had never been called a Mudblood to her face. And least of all that was the last thing she expected Severus Snape to say to her. Slowly she backed away from him not knowing what to say. It was then that she heard someone yell a curse and Snape jumped to avoid it. There James Potter came into view, his wand held at the ready.

"Don't you ever Call Lily a Mudblood again." He threatned as Snape in return pulled out his own wand. "You're the stupid worthless one Snape. Why don't you just go play with your little friends?" James snarled. Lily had never seen James like this. So protective.

"Why don't you shut up Potter? You have no business her so why don't you just go…." Snape began as Lily turned to Snape.

"Just go Snape." her voice was cold and plain out heartless but she didn't care. Looking defeated Snape left to catch up with his friends, but as he walked off she heard the unmistakable words of this isn't over yet Potter. Lily then turned to James. Her eyes were glistening with tears, but she wasn't about to break down in front of Potter.

"Lily…I'm sorry…don't believe a word that he.." James began but was then cut off by Lily speaking softly.

"Just leave me alone Potter. You had no right eavesdropping, or trying to defend me. I can defend myself thank you." And with that Lily stalked off Toward Gryffindor Tower, James following behind her the whole way. The real thing Lily wanted to say was Thank You, but she could never muster the courage to tell him that. After all…she was suppose to hate Potter…Wasn't she?

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Taking a deep breath she remembered her surroundings as she took a few more steps. It was a bit early so the Platform was completely filled with students, but it was slowly beginning to fill at a fast rate. Looking at the people around her for only a moment she blushed as she saw that all eyes were on her. As she finally reached the scarlet train she could hear the whispers of the ones around her more clearly. Most were those of the students trying to figure out who that she could possibly be.

"Who is that?"

"Bloody Hell….Is that….."

"That's Lily Evans"

Biting her lip she pulled her trunk up onto the train and stepped on. Glancing one more time back at the crowd she could still tell that all eyes were on her. "Damn it." she thought bitterly. Why had she decided to wear what she was? Oh yeah. She didn't have a choice in the matter. That was another thing that had changed about Lily Evans life. During the summer she had done a few modeling commercials and in return she had gotten to keep all of the things from the different photo shoots. She was just glad that all of her photo's hadn't gone public yet.

And she was also glad that her parents were on Holiday. Other wise, Lily would have probably been an only child where her father and mother would be murdered for trying to get people to making comments like some of the ones she was hearing now about there 'baby girl'. She was going to have to thank her Uncle for sending them on vacation.

Making her way through the train she saw that there were many students already on board trying to find a compartment and Lily almost froze dead in her tracks as she saw each of them turn to look at her. Casting her gaze down word she moved forward as a pathway way formed between people for her to walk through. She quickly moved through them as she set out in search of the Head's Carriage.

Sighing she barley noticed that she had ran into anyone until she fell forward, her stuff falling out in front of her. "Oh, I am so sorry. I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking…I didn't mean to…" Lily began to apologize as she looked up to see who she had ran into. It was non other than James Potter himself.

"No, its my fault, my idiotic best mate went and stopped right in front of me…its entirely may fault….." Looking down he looked into a familiar pair of emerald eyes gazing back into his own deep chestnut eyes.

"Lily?"

"Potter?"

**Lily's POV**

I had never expected to see him on the train. Maybe it was due to my lack of planning things out, or my stupidity. Or maybe I was just hoping that luck would be on my side just this one time. How wrong could I have been? Luck has never been on my side. Maybe I should just give up on luck. It never seemed to ail me when I truly needed it to. Then again. Maybe I just had been hoping that James wouldn't notice me. I knew however now that I should have gotten to the station a bit earlier. Then I may could of prevented this type of thing from occurring.

Of course I did have to face him. It wasn't like I could just hide from him all year just because I didn't want him to see the knew me. Wait…when did I ever care what James Potter thought of me? Oh My god…I am turning into one of those robot freaks that are always chasing after him and Sirius.

I tried to gather all my things before I could give him a reason for me to stay and reply but unfortunately. My plan failed miserably.

"Lily is that really you?" James asked yet again. His eyes were wondering my body for I could feel his eyes baring into me even though I didn't want to meet his gaze again. Finally breaking my train of thought I lifted my head.

"Yeah. Its me." I spoke softly. Had I really thought that I could get away from hiding from James Potter for even a few minutes. 'I am loosing my mind' I though solemnly to myself.

"Wow.." he breathed. I could hear the amazement and wonder in his voice. " You look…" he began as Lily cute him off.

"different?" I suggested with a small smile.

**Narrator's POV**

" Defiantly different." he said nodding. From the way he was acting, he was in more shock than Lily had been when she received her Hogwarts letter when she was eleven. And that was saying something.

"Umm…Thanks?" Lily had no idea what to say. Looking down she realized that her stuff was still sprawled out in the floor and she then began reaching over trying to gather it all so that she might could make a quick escape.

"Oh, let me help you with that." James offered as he then got on one knee to help her gather her stuff. As he handed back her stuff that he had gathered, there hands briefly touched and Lily felt a jolt of energy run through out her entire body.

Taking her stuff in hand she stood and looked quickly and then up at Remus and Sirius as they approached the scene talking avidly about how everyone was saying there was a Hot new chick on the train this year and how Sirius was going to go find her. Lily blushed a deep red as she heard what Sirius was saying. She was so glad that everyone was saying things so 'highly' about her. She scoffed at the thought. James would probably kill Sirius tried to get near her.

Looking down not making eye contact with any of them, Lily pushed passed them as she made her way farther down the corridor and into the Head's Carriage. Throwing herself on one of the seats she took a deep breath as she looked at the compartment door. With a wave of her wand she locked it and drew the curtains as she began to put on her Hogwarts uniform. 'This is going to be a long year' She thought to herself.

* * *

Looking down the hallway after Lily Evans, James couldn't help but stare in awe as Remus and Sirius looked dumbfounded. It was Remus that spoke first. "Was that Lily?" he asked as he looked over to James and Sirius who were both nodding there heads in a silent agreement. Finally after a matter of moments Sirius spoke.

"Damn. Evans looks HOT. With a capital H." Sirius muttered as he blinked a few times to make sure his eyes hadn't been playing tricks on him. But when he realized that it hadn't he felt a throbbing pain coming from the back of his head. "OW. What was that for?" he asked rubbing the spot that James had hit.

"Don't say that stuff about Lily. And keep your hands off Pad. I know what your like, and your not going to hurt Lily." James stated as Remus shook his head.

"Prongs mate are you ever going to get over her?" Remus asked

"Never" James answered with a smirk on his face as he patted his friend on the back. " I know one thing though. This year is going to be different. Mates, this is going to be the best year of our entire lives." James stated.

"I thought you said that about 5th year?" Sirius asked.

"And about 6th. You can't remember he has been saying the same thing for the past 3 years." Remus replied with a laugh, "And Prongs what do you think that will be different about this year…besides Lily's supermodel look?"

"I mean that this is going to be our year." James said

"Yeah, whatever mate. Lets just go find a compartment before they are all filled." Remus said as he turned back and started leading the group down the hallway. Glancing back he noticed that James wasn't following. "James you coming?" Remus asked as Sirius had a look of realization on his face.

"Oh yeah Moony didn't I tell you. Our dear Prongsie is Head Boy." Sirius said sly as he walked into one of the nearest empty compartment setting his stuff down and leaning against the door way of the compartment.

"No Sirius, you forgot to mention it. Well we know one thing. Dumbledore has lost it. He must have been smoking something when he chose you James. No offense intended but really?" Remus asked

"Yeah its true. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go meet the Head Girl." James continued passing Remus and making his way to the Head carriage with only one thought on his mind, and that was of how many things in his life had changed in just that one summer. He much like Lily had a lot of events and changes in his own life within the few weeks of there summer break or vacation. James hated to think of it only as a break. It seemed like a break could hardly describe the freedom that one felt while being able to spend summer with friends.

**FLASHBACK:**

It had been a long and unending summer. Between trying to ignores his parents nagging about how if he didn't straighten up his act that he would never be accepted into the Auror Academy and trying to keep Sirius from killing himself, James was ready for school to start. Not that he don't love Sirius. He thought on there way to Kings Cross Station, its just….After a few months….He can kind of get a little bit. Annoying? He thought gently as he looked over to his best mate who was sound asleep in the seat next to him They had decided to take the Knight Bus to Kings Cross station this year.

So much had been going through his mind since he had left Hogwarts the previous. But the main thing was Lily Evans. He couldn't seem to get her off his mind for longer than a few minutes at a time. Although most of the time he hid it from everyone. Including Sirius, which was fairly hard to do. All things considered. Looking out the window he let his mind flow on the past six years. Back to all the good memories that he had experienced at Hogwarts. It was hard to believe that he was in his 7th year, and let alone that he had been made Head Boy. Who would have ever seen that coming.

However James was rudely brought back to reality as the bus jerked forward and came to a halt. "Kings Cross Station. London" Standing he grabbed his stuff and urged Sirius to do the same. Sirius looked very unhappy of how he had been awoken. James couldn't help but laugh as Sirius began cursing the driver.

"Bloody..ungrateful.." Sirius muttered under his breath. James just smiled as they continued forward.

James merely shook his head.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Sirius was defiantly something, but maybe that's why he and James were so close. They had also been close and were more like brothers than best mates. And just glancing at them from afar, even if you didn't know them personally, you could clearly see that. Anyone could see that. Looking down at his feet, James Potter continued on his way to the Head's Carriage as his thoughts over came him.

As he checked his surroundings he decided that it would be best to go ahead and change into his robes. Finding the closest Restroom he stepped in, changing as quickly as he could in one of the stalls but not before over hearing some of the people that had stepped in.

"Did you see Evans this year? Boy I can't wait to see Potters face when he sees Lily. I mean, he will probably have a heart attack." one of the boys said.

"She is damn hot. I mean yeah, she was pretty nice before, but no one would be stupid enough to go after Lily with James. I mean he would kill his best mate if he tried to get with Lily. Let alone any other guy." another stated.

"Well I would like to see him try this year, I mean everyone wants a piece of Evans. I mean did you not hear what everyone was saying when she walked onto the platform. She looked like a goddess."

"Yeah, I don't know anyone who wouldn't want the change to fuck that." another said as James felt his fingers curling into a fist. How dare they say such stuff about Lily! I mean yeah all of it is true but…James thought bitterly as he pinned the Head Boy badge upon his robes

"I wouldn't mind taking a chance on asking Evans out. I mean, yeah Potter could try and hurt me but it would be well worth it."

It was at that moment that James decided to make his presence known to the two unknowing boys. As soon as he stepped out of the stall he saw them turn to look at him. Casually he leaned against the doorway and held the door open, making sure that his badge could clearly be seen. "Now, what were you to saying just a moment ago because I do think that it is against school rules for students to domineer another student. And I think what I just heard was enough for me to give you both detention for the first night back. Or would you rather just leave now and forget that you ever seen Lily Evans?" he began as his gaze narrowed.

Like bullets the two boys were out of sight. James figured they were probably running for their lives. It wasn't that he was just scary, it was that no one wanted detention on their first night back at Hogwarts, because that would mean a night with Filch in the dungeons. Which meant that you would be hanging by your thumbs for hours upon hours. Smiling to himself he check to make sure he looked ok in the mirror and ran a hand through his hair.

This was one of James Potter's trade mark moves. His hand ruffling his own hair. That an him playing with a golden snitch that Remus had gotten to entertain him one year during a Hogsmade visit. Of course, everyone knew that James was a chaser not a seeker. It just made him appear…more… amazing to the girl population which was one thing that the Marauders were all for.

Stepping out of the bathroom he continued on his original journey toward the Head's Carriage, trying to get the words of the two students out of his head and mind set.

Finally, just as he about ran into a wall, James noticed that he had finally reached the carriage. Slowly he reached up and slid open the compartment doors. At first he thought that his eyes had yet again been playing tricks on him but as he blinked a few times he realized that what he was seeing wasn't merely a dream but reality. There sat Lily Evans, or who he thought was Lily with a Head Girl badge gleaming upon her robes, clearly engrossed in a book. Stepping thought the door, James waited for the moment that Lily would look up and see who had entered and greet them. But his hopes quickly faded as Lily looked up to see him. A look of slight shock and horror written in her face. Following her gaze he saw that she was looking, well more like glaring, at his badge. " Aren't you going to say Hello to the new Head Boy?"

* * *

Lily had been left with a lot of thinking time since arriving In the Head's Carriage. Most of it fell upon the thought of her "run in" with James Potter and his friends only a short time before. Lily couldn't seem to keep her mind from wondering upon him as it seemed to for most of the summer. At least the part when she had actually time to think about anything.

'_Something had been defiantly different about the way that Potter had been acting. The way that he had looked at me was not the same look that he had given me all the years before. There was something different about the way that he just looked into my eyes that it caused chill bumps to run all through my body. And the blush that I felt rise to my cheeks when he did so._

_It was like I could feel my heart leaping out of my chest. But it was just the way he had looked at me like I wasn't the same person I had been like he had seen a knew light.'_

Whatever it was, Lily was sure that there was something there. And she had also felt it. He didn't even attempt to ask her out like he normally did. Usually the first words that he spoke to her on the train would be some lousy pick up line but it wasn't. _'James could barley speak when he saw me' _Lily continually observed.

'_I happen to feel envious of Potter at times. With his ability to be so carefree about so many things. Its like I can do everything I know to do something just about perfectly but he can do the same thing with out even an ounce of effort. It often made me sick to think of how I had always wished for that ability yet. Nothing.'_

Shacking her head at the thought Lily looked down at her book and began reading were she had left off. She had been so engrossed in her book that she hadn't even noticed when someone had entered the compartment until she heard the compartment door shut. Glancing up she saw no one other than James Potter standing before her. About to ask why in the world he was in the Head Carriage, her gaze fell upon his Head Boy badge. Her gaze soon became a glare as she did. _He was Head Boy?_

"_Aren't you going to say Hello to the new Head Boy?" _Lily heard James ask. Letting her eyes met his she replied.

"What in the Bloody Hell has Dumbledore been smoking?" she asked solemnly. She felt a lump grow in her throat. She would be sharing the PRIVATE Head Quarters with James Potter. She would be living with him for a year, until she graduated the next spring. '_How could this happen? How am I going to survive?'_ she asked herself as her gaze fell to the floor.

"Well I guess that is better than nothing" James replied as he stepped over and sat in one of the empty seats across from Lily. His eyes never leaving her.

"Excuse me?" Lily asked softly slightly confused by what he had said

"I mean, I guess you replying with a question was a better response to what I said about greeting the new Head Boy. Its probably the best hello that I think I have ever gotten from you come to think of it." he stated with a smile.

"Would you rather me of swore? Or even said that you weren't worth a Hello?" Lily asked truthfully.

"No, but its what I usually get, so I am used to it." James said with a sigh.

Lily sat there in shock for a few moments as silence filled the room around them. "Look Jam- Potter I am sorry about the way I have been acting." she said as she looked down at her feet. Was she actually apologizing to James? "I guess we need to at least be on mutual terms if we are going to spend the next year working together." Lily continued as James just looked at her.

James simply nodded. "Ok, I think I can work with that." It was not long before another uncomfortable silence fell between them. "So, how was your summer?" James asked trying to pass the time before the prefects finally arrived.

Lily was however slightly distracted by James's question. "Oh…um…It was good. I worked most of the summer with a modeling agency, and went on vacation with my parents. But that is about. How about you?" She pondered as she tried to understand why James was trying to make conversation. I mean, they had never had a civil conversation before unless you called yelling at each other civil.

"Well, besides putting up with Sirius's constant 'I'm hungry feed me James' rampage and my parents nagging about Auror Academy it was fine." he said as he heard Lily laugh. He just looked at her curiously.

"Oh, I'm sorry. But is Sirius ever NOT hungry?" she asked with a smile. Were they actually talking and laughing together? This was to real to be true.

"No…I think its like his body feeds off of 3,000 calories a day." James said as the compartment door slid open as prefects began flooding in, all eyes were upon Lily who shifted in her seat uncomfortably.

"_This is going to be a long night" _Both Lily and James thought to themselves

* * *

As they both expected the meeting with the prefects took longer than anyone expected due to the fact that no one was paying attention to what either the Head Boy or Head Girl were saying. The only thing that they could pay attention to was keeping there eyes glued to Lily.

Nearing the end of the meeting James was finally fed up. He was trying to explain the rules that each Prefect was expected to follow as when the weekly meetings and patrols would be held. "…..usually the meetings will be held on Tuesday evenings after classes in the Teachers Common Room, but as for patrols, each of you will have different patrol nights. The list should be posted soon but……" James was half way through his explanation as he saw Lily out of the corner of his eye looked scared to death because of the looks she was receiving.

"OK." James said slamming his hand down on the table which defiantly caught everyone's attention. "If you don't quite staring down the your Head Girl, Miss Evans, then you will all be dismissed and you will each have to explain to the Headmaster why none of you showed up for your patrols." James warned. This was not as easy as he thought it was going to be.

Ten minutes later, out of pure haste to see everyone leave, the prefects were dismissed. James had never seen Lily so thankful.

"Ok, now tell me the truth. Do I look that horrible?" Lily asked James burying her head in her hands. "They wouldn't quite glaring and staring at me like I was some kind of alien or beast." she stated as James stared at her like she was crazy.

"Come with me a sec Evans" James said as they walked over toward one corner of the carriage where an old full length mirror stood. Lily was hesitant at first but she followed none the less.

"Look into that mirror" he suggested. And Lily did as he said. There before her was someone that even she barley recognized as herself. But there beside her was a tall, lean, muscular male. His untidy hair was dark brown, almost black in the light. His glasses in his shirt pocket and a Head Boy badge gleamed bright upon his chest as Lily's did upon her. _'Wow…I never noticed that James looked so….amazing' _Lily thought but quickly scratched out the thought. She couldn't be thinking like that. She was Lily Evans after all.

"Does what you see look like some type of alien?" James asked

"No but……."Lily started to say

"Does what you see make think that you look like some alien or a beast?" he continued to interrogate

"No but….."

"Then believe me when I say that you don't look horrible and you defiantly don't look like an alien or a beast. The reason that they were all staring is because you look different." seeing her hurt expression he smiled, " but a good different. Don't you understand that you look amazing? And they are all jealous of you."

Lily was stunned by his words. She could barley believe what she was hearing. For the first time, Lily was starting to understand a part of James that she had neglected to see before. He saw things that others didn't. He saw what she was thinking and feeling without asking. "Why would they be jealous of me though? I am nothing that special." she continued.

Just as James was about to reply there came a knock at the compartment door and the Conductor of the train entered. "We will be at Hogwarts In a few minutes, you better head on to the exits before it gets to crowded" he stated as he left.

James stood there for a moment as a few words were left on his mind that he wished he would have been able to tell Lily without having been interrupted just then.

"You coming Potter?" Lily asked from the doorway.

"Yeah, I will be there in a sec." James replied not meeting her gaze. Only one thought left bore into his mind. 'But you are special Lily. _'Your one of the most special things on this planet to me, and you always will be.' _With that James left the compartment as he headed to go help Lily at the Train Exit. Maybe this year wouldn't be that bad after all.

* * *

**A/N: So…How do you guys like the first Chapter? I figured that I should at least have the story start on a high note. Believe me I re-wrote this several different ways and this is the one that I found that I liked the most, so please review. And do not be afraid to give so NEEDED suggestions**


	2. The Tragic Arrival

**Essence of My Heart  
**_A Harry Potter Fan-Fiction  
__By Amber-Natasha21_

**Chapter 2: The Tragic Arrival**

* * *

_If roses are meant to be red  
And violets to be blue  
Why isn't my heart meant for you  
My hands longing to touch you  
but I can barely breath  
Starry eyes that make me melt  
Right in front of me_

_-Lost_

* * *

**Narrator's POV**

"Firs' 'ears o'er 'ere. Come on. 'eh 'oin to 'iss the sor'in if yea don' hurr' up" Hagrid's booming voice sounded above the flood of students gathering on the platform. Each and everyone of them seeming eager to start a new year of the magical wonders that lay before them. Glancing down at the crowd Lily looked closely for anyone who seemed out of place or lost. Usually those were the first years. Lily smiled softly. She remembered back to when she was in first year and how nervous she had been to be standing on this very platform. Scared to death wasn't even close.

It wasn't hard for her to remember everything about her first year because she had kept each of them close to her heart. Of course, there was only one down fall of her first year at Hogwarts and that was meeting James Potter for the first time. Uhhhh even then that boy knew the things that could cause me to toss and turn at night thinking of ways how I could possibly get rid of him. But Lily had not always been this way with James. At first James had seemed like an ordinary boy to Lily. That was until she had saw him making fun of Severus Snape upon the train.

Lily had know Severus years before she even knew that Hogwarts existed. He live near her on one of the adjoining streets. Spinners End. To Lily he was one of the only and the closest friends that she had ever had. They could talk about anything and joke around with each other. They were best friends. He was the one that had first told her about magic and explained that he thought that she was a witch.

Lily had taken it as an insult at first. She had even thought that by Snape calling her a witch he was telling her that she was an ugly girl who only had evil intentions. It took Lily months to trust Snape again, who explained that being a witch was a good thing.

'You will be able to go to Hogwarts with me. And I know that you will be in Slytherin, so that means we will be in the same house!' Severus words rang in her ears.

Closing her eyes only for a second, she was able to remember everything that had been said that day, and she could almost picture the day perfectly in her mind.

'Sev, what is Slytherin House? I mean I know you told me about the four different houses…Ravenclaw, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin…but what makes Slytherin so special that we would be in it?' Lily asked

'Slytherin is the only house that you would want to be in Lily. All the great Witches and Wizards have been in it. Not to mention, my whole family has been in Slytherin since the beginning. But the other house are filled with people who think that they are better than you. That think they are supreme because of what family they come from.' Snape replied

'So, the other houses are made up of mainly bullies? Slytherin and Hogwarts sound amazing Sev. But I am still not sure I will get my letter. I mean wouldn't my sister of gotten one when she was eleven?'

'No. Not everyone gets a letter. Your sister is probably a squib.' seeing the confused look on Lily's young features Severus explained, "Someone who has magical blood but can't do magic.'

'Oh.' Lily replied gently 'Do you think that I was accepted to Hogwarts just because I have magical powers like you say?'

'Well yes and no. But I know you are only wondering if you could try and convince the Headmaster to accept your sister, but I am not sure it works that way.'

'Oh. Well Tunney was really upset when I told her what you said about me going to get a Hogwarts letter. I think she is jealous because she won't talk to me at all.' Lily began as she looked up at Severus who was already quite a bit taller than she was.

'I wouldn't worry much about your sister Lil. I mean if she is jealous then let her be. You are going to be an amazing witch. And don't worry. You will get your Hogwarts letter. You just wait. I got mine yesterday, so you should be getting yours soon. But no matter what do we promise to stay friends all through Hogwarts and that nothing will ever come between us?' Severus asked holding out his pinkie for a pinkie promise.

Lily smiled, 'I promise Sev. You are my best friend and nothing can change that..'

Oh but how things had changed since that faithful day. For one. She and Severus hadn't spoken on mutual terms in as long as Lily could remember. Ever since he had called her a Mudblood…..But things between Lily and Petunia were no better than they had been 7 years before. Except now, Petunia at least admitted that she hated her younger sister. Why? No one but Petunia knew. Lily had a hunch and it was because she had been accepted into Hogwarts and Petunia hadn't.

That was the one thing that Petunia had always been jealous. That Lily had the magical ability that she had begged and wished for, for years upon years. Even after Lily had been accepted. Although she had finally given up hope. Petunia was now married. It was hard for Lily even to believe. They had both always imagined there wedding days but never did Lily realize that her sister would get married that soon.

It had happened during the summer. Petunia had been bragging about it since Lily had came back from her 6th year term. She just figured it was because Lily unlike Petunia didn't have that many boyfriends. Or maybe it was because of the fact that of those few boyfriends, she had never brought any of them home to meet her parents, usually because there relation ship didn't make it to any of the breaks. Most often because all they wanted was to sleep with Lily and when she refused she found herself dumped.

It was this past summer that she had actually been jealous of her sister. Not because Petunia was married but because Petunia had found someone that loved her, and that she loved. Even if he looked and sounded like he wasn't human. Lily had always wanted what her sister had. To be able to be happy all the time without having an fears or regrets, and just to be a normal teen. Lily was however, far from being a normal teen.

Her thoughts were suddenly broken as she heard someone calling her name. It was Potter. "Lily!" James called over the crowd as he tried to make his way toward the Exit. He had just finished helping the first year into the boats. "All the first years are in the boats. How are things here? Has everyone gotten off the train?"

Lily looked up suddenly as she remembered what she had been doing before her thoughts had gotten the best of her. "Yes I think so. We just have to go make sure that the carriages are empty and then we can head up with the other students to the castle." Lily replied as James lead the way back onto the train.

"We better get started then if we have to search the whole train within a few minutes." James continued to remark as they each began looking into the compartments in each section of the train.

After ten minutes of searching Lily and James had decided that there was no one left on the train and it was safe to go ahead and head up to the castle. "Uh, I didn't realize that there were so many students at Hogwarts."

Lily laughed as James stood there giving her a puzzled look. Lily shook her head, "Sorry, Its just you have been going to this school seven years and you still haven't realized that there are so many students?" she asked with a smile.

"Well I have kind of had other things on my mind….." James began as Lily interrupted him with another question.

"Like getting to know more than half of the female population?" Lily asked sarcastically.

"No, actually I was going to say like try and get your attention for the past seven years." James said under his breath just a bit to loudly as Lily, who had began leading them back toward the exit turned to look at him.

"Why won't you just get over yourself and move on James?" she said sighing heavily. "I don't understand you at all. One minute you are trying to convince me that we are meant together and the next you are off with some slut. You are just an egotistical, arrogant, pig headed JERK…..Why won't you just grow up?" she practically yelled at him.

Seeing his expression Lily frowned, "Sorry. Its just…you could have anyone but you have to chase me? Why?"

"Well…if you would give me a minute to explain I could tell you." There was a slightly long pause following his words and then he continued speaking. "Thank you, but I am not just some egotistical, arrogant, pig headed jerk…You forgot to mention that I was also very good looking." he said trying to lighten the mood.

"See what I mean. I am surprised that your head isn't the size of Mount Rushmore by now. Cause I know that you can't fit your head through a door its so enlarged by your…egotisticalness." she replied with haste

"Egotisticalness? What kind of word is that?" he asked slightly upset that she was insulting him like that. He was just trying to be nice to her and this is how he was thanked?

"Well, if you look in the dictionary by the word than you will see a picture with you and your overly enlarged head" Lily remarked as she turned on her hill heading toward the last threstles drawn carriage. Her arms crossed over her chest.

"What's her problem?" James whispered to himself as he slowly followed behind her as he joined her in the carriage. Maybe this WAS going to be a long year after all.

* * *

"Welcome all, to a new year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry!" Professor Dumbledore said with a cheery smile from the head of the Great Hall. The sorting had just been completed and by the looks of things, there were more Slytherin Student additions than in any other house. It looked as if a record had been set. There were over 20 Slytherin first years, whereas each of the other houses only had around 10 or 15 new students. It was something that James was very curious about.

Abandoning his thoughts, James continued to listen to Professor Dumbledore give his annual beginning of the year speech, of course he had missed all but the first bit and the last few words. "Now I warn each and every one of you to take caution this year. More and more outside influences are trying to make there way into this very castle so head my warning when I say stay away from trouble and danger if you can at all cost avoid it. I think everyone has suffered long enough sooo…Let the Feast begin!"

James glanced at the people seated around him at the Gryffindor Table. Remus sat beside him as Sirius and Peter were seated on the opposite side. "Did anyone else notice how many new Slytherin's there are this year?" he asked looking quickly at the Slytherin Table. Receiving quite a few glares as he did so.

"Yeah. But I wouldn't worry about it to much. I mean. judging by looking at there table, it looks like the Slytherin population has actually decreased. I don't see Macnair, or even Crabbe any where." Remus stated as he also pondered on what James was getting at.

Sirius was to involved in his food that he could barley speak. "'ust as lo'g as th'y do't boter me." he said his mouth filled to the max with food.

"Ah Pad, couldn't you at least close your mouth and chew before you decided to speak?" Peter asked quietly. Peter had barley even been acknowledged seeing as he had been drifting slowly apart from each of the friends. There was just something that Wormtail had been trying to hide for the last few months that not only confused his friends. But made them also very curious.

"Why don't we talk about something more interesting? Like how much Evans is getting stared down by everyone." Sirius said after taking a sip of his Pumpkin juice.

In fact, as all the Marauders turned to look it seemed like more than half the students, and even some of the students were looking intently at Lily who seemed a little more than slightly ungovernable as she was trying to talk with a forth year about Nearly Headless Nick.

"Oh don't get me started." James began as he remembered all the things that she had said to him before he had arrived back at the castle, "Ok, I thought maybe this year was going to be different, but I am really beginning to think I was wrong because I simply was trying to have a civil conversation with Evans and she just started yelling at me for no apparent reason…."

James heard Remus sigh heavily and he turned to glare. "What?" Remus inquired

"What do you mean what? What does.." James imitated Remus sighing heavily, receiving a laugh from Sirius, " that mean exactly?"

"It means when will you ever realize that she does like you. You just have to back off and quite being so arrogant."

James sat there flabbergasted. "I am not arrogant…."

"Yes you are mate." Sirius butted in

"Oh, look who is talking." James said with a laugh.

"Your just as bad as I am."

"I am not."

"Yes you are"

"No, I am not"

"Are to"

"Am not"

"Are to"

"Am not"

"Are to"

"Why don't you both shut up? And how about this, you are both arrogant…but I guess since no one else can stand you I guess that means I am slightly obligated, as a best friend at least." Remus said smirking. Sirius and James could be such babies at times.

"Since when does being one of our best mates make you obligated to put up with us?" Sirius asked looking slightly hurt.

"Since I met you seventeen years ago, and I basically signed away my life to you two dolts."

"Ok first, we are not dolts. And second…I have been putting up with you and Prongs for seventeen years? Man I really do need a life." Sirius said with a laugh as James smacked him in the back of the head.

"Ow. What was that for?" he asked rubbing the spot on his head as Remus just sat and watched curiously.

"Oh, well I thought after seventeen years of smacking you on the back of the head you would be used to it" James said with a laugh as Remus fell in suit, roaring with laughter.

"Well…I can just really feel the love in this room" Sirius said pouting as both Remus and James continued to howl with laughter for near on five minutes. It was when they received death glares from McGonagall that they were silent.

"Who's up for Jokes?" Sirius asked trying to lighten the mood.

"Sure. Why not." James replied looking at Remus.

"So I have a great joke for you and trust me, this is going to be great," Sirius said. "What did the moron have for breakfast?"

"Well this morning you had toast, bacon, and eggs," Remus said, without looking up from the food in front of him

Sirius pouted. "You totally just ruined the joke."

"Sorry, I just thought that was the answer," Remus said with a grin.

* * *

It was nearing 8 when all of the students were dismissed from the Great Hall. At least all but Lily and James for Dumbledore was to show them their private quarters. Lily slightly hesitated as she approached the Professor at the head of the Great Hall. It was only seconds later that James was standing directly behind her.

"Ah, Lily, James. How are you both? I bet anxious to see your new quarters. Well, if you will just follow me." Dumbledore began. There was a bit of urgency in his voice like he was in a rush to do something else. Being Headmaster of such a school, Lily could only think of the hundreds of possibilities.

"Its nice to be back Professor." James said as Lily gave him an encouraging smile as they followed Professor Dumbledore into the Entrance Hall and headed straight for the Staircase where he lead the two to the seventh floor corridor. It was the same exact Hall that the Portrait of the Fat Lady, or the entrance into the Gryffindor Common Room and dorms was located.

"Professor, the Heads Quarters is on the seventh floor? But wouldn't we have been able to see it before now since we are Gryffindors and we are up here all the time?" Lily asked as they had stopped in the middle of the corridor.

"Ah but Miss Evans, I would figure that you as well as I know, that things here at Hogwarts are not as they appear to be." Professor Dumbledore replied as he uttered the words. "unus diligo" Lily recognized the words immediately.

"One love?" Lily asked curiously. Dumbledore merly smiled.

"What?" James asked confused by Lily's question.

"I took Latin one summer. The password 'unus diligo' means One Love in English." Lily explained as a doorway suddenly formed out of thin air. Dumbledore was right. She had underestimated her common sense. Things at Hogwarts were never as they seemed to truly be.

The Professor was the first one to enter the common room. Lily and James hesitated before they followed him inside. Both wondering what it was going to be like, or if it would be exactly like the Gryffindor Common Room, or if things would be totally different. As they entered, Lily and James were in awe. It was like an exact replica of the Gryffindor Common. Right down to the very fiber of the curtains that hung over the windows.

"I would first start and congratulate you both on being the Head Boy and the Head Girl. This is a real honor and you two were chosen for many different reason so I hope that neither of you" Professor Dumbledore began as he eyed James softly. James grinned and looked down at the ground. "But before I leave you two to get settled in, there are just a few extra rules. As Heads, you will be expected to set a good example for all of those students who look up to you both as examples. Especially the Prefects. I would also like to add that I would like to meet with you both once a month to go over different school affairs. I know that I explained most of what you need to know in your letters so I think with that said I will leave you two to get settled in. Lily your room is on the left, and James yours in on the right. You both have private bathrooms and a private entrance to the Gryffindor Common Room so if you need anything else, feel free to ask Professor McGonagall."

"I shall be going. I am sorry to leave you both in such a hurry but I have much business to attend to." And with that Professor Dumbledore began his exit toward the door, but paused momentarily. "Oh and Mr. Potter, I would suggested not giving out the password to a certain group of friends unless there is an emergency."

It was so odd. Lily thought how rushed Dumbledore seemed to be. Usually he was more relaxed and didn't say things in such urgency like he had just done. It was when James spoke that Lily lost all original train of thought for the third time that night.

"Well it looks like its just you and me Evans." James said as he walked over and sat down in one of the arm chairs, nearest the fireplace.

"Uh…don't remind me Potter. So please do me a favor. Don't talk to me, Don't touch my things, and unless you or I myself are dying do not come near my room." Lily said as she headed for her the door marked Head Girl.

"Wow…what's got your knickers in a twist. You were fine talking with me on the train on the way from the London. What changed?" James asked as he watched her intently

"Well for one, I really thought that you had changed, but you showed me when we were getting ready to head back to the castle that I was dead wrong." Lily replied as she entered her bedroom without haste. Leaving James alone to ponder upon what she had said.

* * *

The first week back from Hogwarts took some readjusting for everyone. Especially for Lily and James. Throughout there seven years of knowing each other there hadn't been a day since that had arrived back at school that they weren't fighting about something. Whether it be about something as small as James annoying Lily while she was trying to do her homework in the Head's Common room on up to something as large as other students being involved. It defiantly wasn't the best week in either of Lily or James's life. But at the moment, they wished the other didn't exist.

It was the First Friday in September. Remus and Sirius had just decided to head down to breakfest when they heard shouting coming from one of the nearby empty classroom. Each of them were puzzled about what it could possibly be so they decided it was best to investigate it before something happened. "What in the bloody hell could possibly be going on? Its still early. Who would be in an empty classroom yelling at the top of their……" Sirius began to ask as they approached the voices became much clearer.

"WHY IN THE BLOODY HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" the girl screamed as loud as she could possibly muster.

"ITS NOT LIKE I MEANT TO. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOUR DOOR WASN'T LOCKED. ITS NOT MY FAULT. YOU HAD MUSIC PLAYING AND I TRIED KNOCKING AND YOU DIDN'T ANSWER…."James yelled

"THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO COME BARGING INTO MY ROOM!!!" Lily cried in utter disgust. Early that morning James had been trying to ask Lily what day that she wanted to plan out the prefects patrols. She had been playing her music slightly loud so James knocked. Still there was no answer. Finally he flung open the door and found a half naked Lily Evans. She had almost killed him, and nothing was certain that she wasn't going to do it now.

"I'm sorry. I tried knocking but you didn't answer so I got worried." James replied slowly as he lowered his voice realizing how loud that he was being.

"Maybe next time you should try knocking harder." Lily whispered as she pushed past him and ran out of the classroom. Bumping into Sirius who had been listening at the door. "If you know what is good for you Black you will forget everything that you just heard. And that means you to Remus" and with that Lily headed down the corridor and out of site. She couldn't believed that James had seen her so exposed. Of course it could have been worse. No. She couldn't think like that.

The only thing that she had to worry about now was trying to find a way to punish Potter for what he did. No matter if it was an accident or not.

* * *

"Ok spill" Sirius said as he and Remus entered the empty classroom where James stood looking like he had just been ran over by a two ton truck.

"You guys heard everything didn't you?" James asked mortified. He felt like a complete idiot. Lily would never forgive him now.

"Well not everything. Just the part that you barged into her room… But that's about all we heard" Remus inputted.

"And you know, Lily wouldn't be that mad about you coming into her room. So what did you do…see her naked. How hot did she look. Oh I bet she looks a hundred times better without any clothes…" Sirius began as Remus slapped him on the back of the head.

At first Sirius pouted, "Ok, I guess I disserved that one."

"Yes you did." James said speaking up before a large grin spread across his every facial features, " And I seen her half naked. And it was better than you could ever imagine Pad..but I guarantee this. If you keep talking like that, Remus will have to replace you as my only best mate because I just might have to kill you for that comment. Even if it is true"

"God James, your as Bad as Sirius and that is pretty bad." Remus replied

"Hey, I AM standing right here you know." Sirius said slightly insulted.

"We know" James and Remus said in unison. "Why don't we all just go to breakfest and try and forget that this ever happened?" James suggested

"I second the going to breakfest idea, but I hate to tell you James, but half the castle heard you and Lily yelling. Its not going to be that easy to forget. Especially when you two have to live in the same Head Quarters." Remus replied.

And Remus had been right about what he said about it wasn't going to be that easy forgetting the events of that morning. Every chance he got James did his best to try and apologize to Lily. Even during class he tried slipping her notes explaining how sorry he truly was. Lily had gotten so tired of the notes that during Potions she had set the notes on fire. Glaring at him with daggers for eyes as soon as she did so. Nothing he did or tried to do worked in his attempt to get Lily to forgive him. He had given up all hope.

James had even went to the Gryffindor Common Room later that evening to try to give Lily her much needed space. While setting by the fire Sirius made the pitiful attempt to try and lighten the atmosphere with more jokes.

"What's green and stands in a corner? A naughty frog. Why did they monkey fall out of the tree? He was dead. Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? He was stapled to the monkey." Still nothing changed. "Oh come on you guys, you know those are funny!" Sirius said with a laugh as Remus and James looked at him as if he was a complete idiot.

"Oh, I have one more. What did one worm say to the other worm? Are you my arse?" Still there was no sign of laughter. "That was one of the best ones!" Sirius continued"Ok Padfoot I have a joke for you. What is white, black and blue all over?" James asked

"What?"

"You after I get done killing you." James stated with a smile.

"Now that was just cruel James." Sirius said pouting he hated when everyone was mean to him. "Mine was much better. At least I wasn't being mean to anyone unlike some people."

"Padfoot. I think even Doper could make a better joke than you can." Remus said putting his hand on Sirius's shoulder.

"Isn't Doper your dead pet fish?" James asked looking curiously at Remus thinking that he was the one who had now gone insane.

"That's exactly my point"

"I hate you people" Sirius muttered under his breath as Remus and James shared a short laugh.

* * *

Mean while Lily was setting in the Heads Common room, there in complete and utter silence thinking about the events of the previous morning. She knew that James had walked in on her by accident but she couldn't help but blaming him. It was her natural instinct to blame James for everything. After all. He was usually the cause of much of her pain. If not all of it. And at this very moment…he was the cause of all of it. At least in this particular situation.

Leaning her head back against the chair she closed her eyes as she became lost in her thoughts. Maybe she had been wrong to treat James this way. Maybe he was just trying to be a friend to her. Sure, he wasn't coming about it in the right way but, at least he was trying. At least he had the nerve and patience to try.

Looking back on the way that she had treated him the day before and that day Lily cast her head down ward. Was she really a horrible person? Was that why she kept treating James as she did? Or was it simply because she felt some pleasure in getting back at him for humiliating her all those times. So many thoughts were crossing her mind that it was hard to distinguish between each of them. The only thing that Lily felt like that she knew from processing her own behavior was that she was not only an idiot, but a hypocrite.

'No wonder so many people hate me. I am a complete and royal bitch.' Lily told herself as she heard the Common Room door open. Jumping up, she figured it was James but as she looked toward the doorway she saw that it was Professor McGonagall.

"Professor." Lily said slightly surprised at the site of her Transfigurations teacher. "James isn't here right now…."

"I am afraid that I am not here to talk about Head Duty's Miss Evans. I am afraid that you are needed in Professor Dumbledore's office at once." her expression was that of grave and shock.

"What's going on Professor?" Lily asked her voice barley audible.

"You better just come with me Lily." Professor McGonagall said softly. There was something in her voice that made Lily scared and what she soon found out. She had a right to be.

* * *

The walk to Professor Dumbledore's office was long and neither Lily nor Professor McGonagall spoke on the way there. Lily swallowed as the finally reached and entered the Headmasters office. There in the room stood not only Professor Dumbledore but also the Minster of Magic, and a few other Ministry officials. This was what caused Lily to become even more frightened. No one In the room looked like this was a cheerful trip.

"Miss Evans. Why don't you take a seat" Professor Dumbledore greeted his hand gesturing at the chair nearest his desk. Looking at the Professor Lily did as suggested but as she met his gaze she noticed something very unusual. The sparkle that could usually been seen in his eyes was no where in sight. Glancing to her right she saw the minister remove his hat and walk closer to Lily.

"What's going on?" she asked softly as her eyes glanced around at everyone who was around her.

The Headmaster was the first to speak. " If you don't mind Minister Bagnold, I believe that it would be better if I spoke." he suggested. Lily was slightly confused. What did he mean that maybe it would be better if he spoke. Was she in some kind of trouble?

"Albus maybe this isn't the best time. I mean certainly…" Minerva McGonagall began as her eyes were laid upon Lily.

Albus Dumbledore shook his head silencing the Transfiguration teacher. "Lily. Early this morning there was an attack on a Muggle village near Spinners End. There were only two reported deaths in the attack. I am sorry to tell you this Lily but your parents were found dead at the seen when the Ministry arrived. According to some of your neighbors your father tried to protect your mother from the group when they were attacked."

Lily felt like someone had dropped a brick upon her. Weighing her down to this very seat. Her parents were dead? It wasn't even a week ago that she had last said good bye to them. Now they were never coming back? Her breathing became heavy and uneven. How could this happen? How could her parents be dead? Dumbledore had to be wrong they all did…it just couldn't be. "No, your wrong." Lily whispered as she looked up into the grief stricken people around her. The headmaster was just looking at her with the saddest expression and Professor McGonagall looked as if she was going to break down in tears. "They can't be dead….they can't be…." Lily said as she jumped from her seat and flew from the room.

"Lily!" Professor McGonagall yelled after her. But it was no use. Lily was already gone.

She could feel her legs moving but it was like her head and her body were doing two separate things. All that Lily wanted to do was get far away from the Headmasters office before she broke down. All she wanted to do was go to her room and hide in the smallest corner of her closet and never come out. All she wanted for was her parents to not be dead. Tears flowed from her eyes like a flowing river.

Everyone she passed was looking at her in shock. Yes Lily had been hurt before but never had anyone seen her crying before. Especially not in public. Lily just ignored them as she tried to get to the Heads Common room before things got any worse than what they already were. Finally after what seemed like an eternity she found herself standing in the Common Room. Looking up she saw that James had ran out of his room trying to figure out who had just ran into the common room slamming the door shut.

Lily not realizing what she was doing at first ran into James arms leaning her head against his chest as she cried.

James looked baffled as he saw Lily. She looked horrible. Her eyes were red and puffy as tears ran down her face. But he was even more confused as she ran into his arms and leaning against his chest crying. "Lily what happened?" he asked his voice almost breaking at the site of her like this.

"There dead James!" Lily chocked out as she pulled away from his chest for a moment. "My parents are dead!" Lily sobbed as James not knowing what else to do wrapped his arms around her, embracing her in a hug.

After a few moments, James lead her over to the couch where he sat next to her as he let her cry. They only thing he knew to do was to try and sooth her by rubbing her back and telling her that everything would be ok. He hated to see her like this. Looking up at the clock, James saw that it was nearing 8 o'clock. They had been here for nearly three hours. James let his eyes fall upon Lily, who seemed finally calmed down enough that she could set up by herself.

Looking around at the common room, her eyes finally fell upon James. "I'm sorry for how I acted this morning. I know it was just an accide.." Lily began to say when James silenced her by putting his finger over her lips

"No, I'm sorry." he said gently. "You were right, I should have tried knocking harder to get your attention." James said softly as his eyes met hers. " Are you going to be ok?" he asked gently

Lily turned her head for a moment. "I don't think that I will ever be ok, but I will have to be." she said rubbing her eyes with her shirt sleeve making sure that all evidence of her tears were gone. "James. Will you go with me to the funeral. I don't think that I can do this alone." Lily said not realizing what she was asking him.

James was slightly taken aback at first. She wanted him to got with her for her parents funerals? Slowly he nodded, "I am here for you." he stated as he gave Lily a small hug.

"Thank you James." Lily replied softly as she stood from the couch and made her way toward her bedroom. Leaving James alone and baffled setting on the couch. The events of the past few hours running through his head. 1st Lily hates him for accidentally barging into his room. 2nd Lily finds out that her parents were murdered. 3rd She apologized for the way that she acted 3rd She invited him to go with her to her parents funerals, and 4th, Lily had just called him James. Not Potter.

His eyes fell upon Lily's door wondering how she must be feeling. He wouldn't have to the courage to be as strong as Lily was. I mean. All things considered Lily was stronger than he ever would be. He just wished that there was something he could do to help her. All he knew now was to give her, her space. So that's exactly what he did.

As he left the Common Room and began making his way toward the ground he met Sirius and Remus half-way. Both were curious about the way that James looked.

"Whoa. Who died?" Sirius asked putting his hand on James shoulder.

"Lily's parents." James whispered

* * *

**A/N: ****Thanks for all the reviews! I do believe that this will be a better story than my other Fan Fiction(A Tale of Two Hearts) for the simple fact that this story actually has a good beginning. ****So…How do you guys like the second Chapter? I know that there are a lot of memories in this, but I just think, that it gives you a better explanation of the past than anything….. This Chapter although, I had a LOT of fun writing even if it is slightly depressing. I am going to try and update every week, or every other week. Please don't forget to review and tell me your thoughts, or give me your suggestions of what you might want to see later in the story :D  
Until Next time**


	3. The Funeral

**Essence of My Heart**

_A Harry Potter Fan-Fiction_

_by: amber-natasha21_

**Chapter 3: The Funeral**

* * *

**A/N:**

I do not own any Harry Potter Character's, nor do I claim to own any of these said characters. I would however like to ask everyone for a favor after they read each chapter….. PLEASE REVIEW!

* * *

_In the arms of an angel  
Fly away from here  
From this dark cold hotel room  
And the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage  
Of your silent reverie  
You're in the arms of the angel  
May you find some comfort there_

* * *

**Narrator's POV**

By the next morning the word that Lily's parents had been murdered had spread across the school like wildfire. Of course the report, to Lily's great dismay, had been published in the Prophet giving a full detailed account of what had happened. Glancing over at the window she saw that the sun was beginning to be hidden by dark approaching clouds as well was everything else was overcastted by a grey looming shadow. Her eyes closed gently. She didn't have to courage to go down and face everyone at breakfest . Lily could only think about what would happen once she got down there. All the pitting glances, the stares…. So what was even the point? She wouldn't be able to eat anyway.

Suddenly, she felt tears running down her face once more. She had fell asleep that previous night crying, but when she had finally gotten to sleep, she had been rudely awaken by nightmares. Nightmares that she knew would forever haunt her as long as she would live. In the nightmares, she had imagined herself running through a thicket of barren trees. In the distance she could hear the blood curling screams of both her mother and father being tortured to death. As she ran, the voices seemed to grow weaker and weaker, until at last they disappeared completely. Still she would keep running. At last she reached her parents home. But what she saw caused her to wake in a cold sweat.

Her parents lying there, their eyes still gazing upward. Their body's sprawled and bonded by ropes across the lawn. It was the last thing that anyone ever wanted to see.

Shaking the thought from her mind she let her eyes wonder across the dark lonely room. Lily's gaze however fell upon the Daily Prophet at the edge of her bed. The front page headline read _**Muggle's Killed in Deadly Attack**_. Underneath was a picture of her mother and her father which they had stolen from their home. Quickly, Lily snatched up the paper and ripped it into pieces the best that she possibly could. She didn't want any evidence that had to remind her that her parents were dead. That they would never be able to see her graduate. That her father would never be able to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day. And that they would never live to see their grandchildren's faces.

'_Nobody wants to admit to this, but bad things will keep on happening. Maybe that's because it's all a chain and a long time ago someone did the first bad thing, and that led someone else to do another bad thing, and so on. You know, like that game where you whisper a sentence into someone's ear, and that person whispers it to someone else, and it all comes out wrong in the end. But then again, maybe bad things happen because it's the only way we can keep remembering what good is supposed to look like.'_

'_Whether or not you believe in Fate, it comes down to one thing: who you blame when something goes wrong. Do you think it's your fault--that if you'd tried better, or worked harder, it wouldn't have happened? Or do you just chalk it up to circumstance? I know people who'll hear about the people who died, and will say it was God's will. I know people who'll say it was bad luck. And then there's my personal favorite: They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. _

_Then again you could say the same thing about me, couldn't you?'_

Lily's thoughts were beginning to really get to her, but she had no idea what to do or how to act anymore. No matter what she did she would break down. Even when she was trying to think of something happy. Mostly because most of her happy memories happened with her parents in the picture, or there when the memory was being made. Everything she seemed to do made her think of her parents. Turning she buried her head into her pillow as she felt the sobs break through her chest. Even when she tried to muffle them, it sounded like she was screaming.

Every fiber of her being was in pain. Her hands and body were shaking violently, as if she were freezing to death. Her breathing was shallow, and came in mostly gasps. All she wanted was for this to end. So that maybe she could have some piece, because all she felt now was pain and heartache. Lily had decided then that she would have rather been beaten to death then to have this constant feeling like her body was slowly ripping apart. At least then she could have the outside appearance to match her internal pain.

Lily wanted this to be over. To be done with, but she knew it wasn't going to be that simple. She knew that she would have to live with this same burning pain for the rest of her life. However long that may be. Taking a breath she screamed once more into the pillow in which her face had been buried in.

How was she ever going to get through this?

How was she going to ever come to terms that her parents were never coming back?

And how was she going to live with the reality that if hadn't been for her, her parents would still be alive?

* * *

James was setting on the Head's Common Room couch. His legs curled up close to him as he kept his eyes on Lily's door. Ever since last night he had only left this room twice

and that was to go tell the rest of the Marauders what was going on. That and he had been summoned into Dumbledore's office at near Five A.M. that next morning. James had been given orders to watch after Lily while she went home for a week or two to be with her family for the funeral. To let her stay at his own home and to not let her do anything stupid. This particular part had confused him at first but he had understood the meaning.

Don't let any harm get to Lily, and make sure that Lily didn't try to kill anyone for revenge. Well isn't that the best way to be told to watch out for someone. James thought to himself as his eye lids began to grow heavy.

Even though he had gotten sleep he couldn't help but be awoken when he heard Lily sobbing, or hearing her muffled screams. Letting his gaze fall back upon her door he heard her sobbing harder than she had the previous night. Slowly moving from his place he made his way over toward the door. Gripping the handle he was slowly able to open the door to see Lily curled up in ball on her bed. He covers were strewn every which way. And her face was buried in a pillow.

"Lily?" he asked as if he was asking for permission to enter her room.

She almost jumped out of her skin at the sound of someone whispering her name. Her eyes met his as she moved her head so she could see who had entered the room. Lily's face was wet with tears. Her face was pale and her eyes were red as her hair stood in a disarrayed mess upon her head. James had never seen her like this.

James dared to take a step forward and as he did Lily tried her best to wipe all the evidence that she had been crying from her face. But it did no good. Still, she looked as if she hadn't stopped crying at all that night. James eyes fell as he took in Lily's appearance. She looked like hell and James was sure that she probably felt like she was living trough it.

Stepping closer, he eased down on the bed next to her. The room was silent. You could probably drop a feather on the ground at this point and you would still be able to hear it. James would have figured that Lily would have been kicking and screaming for him to get out of her room before she got one of the professors, either that or before she hexed him so bad that he would never be able to have children.

"Dumbledore wanted me to tell you that he has everything set up, I mean for us leaving this afternoon. If its ok, we will be staying at my house until the funerals. That is if you want to. My parents arranged it, and we have plenty of extra room. Plus you would never see me if you wanted. I could stay locked up in my room and not come out…." he said babbling as Lily cut in.

"That's fine James. I don't mind. I just want to get away from here. From Hogwarts just for a little while." Lily spoke softly, "There is to much going on right now, and I can't handle all the stares and looks from all the other students and even the staff."

This was exactly what she needed. Somewhere to go so that she could try and hide herself from everyone else, and so that she could be close to her family. Although, knowing Petunia, she wouldn't want Lily there any way. But Lily couldn't blame her one bit. After all if Lily wasn't a witch than this would never had happened. If Lily would have just stayed home this year and tried to protect her family than this would have never happen. The most important thing now though was getting through it all if that was at all possible.

"All I need to do is make it through the next few days. I need to be strong" she told herself over and over again in her head. "I can't show any emotion in from of James. He will just think that I am a big baby."

Staying at James's home meant that Lily would have to spend time with James. It would also mean that she would have someone there to comfort her just in case she accidentally showed emotion. That Lily knew couldn't and wouldn't happen as long as she stuck to her mental plan which had been conceived only moments before. She wasn't going to allow herself to be seem weak and vulnerable to anyone. Especially to James Potter.

James cast his gaze downward at his feet. "Lily I know you. You wouldn't let those peoples stares effect you. After all didn't your philosophy used to be and I quote, 'I don't care what people think or what they say. It means nothing to me because I have nothing to be ashamed of."

Lily stayed silent. James was right. Isn't that what she had always said? "It doesn't matter anyway. After the funerals…..I am never coming back to Hogwarts."

* * *

It was at 3 p.m. that evening that Lily Evans and James Potter were separately escorted to Professor Dumbledore's office by two different teachers. James happened to be lead by Professor McGonagall on the main staircase and Lily by Madam Promphrey in some of the shortcut passages. Each of the teachers were silent besides the Welcome that they had each given the two students. In fact, Hogwarts itself appeared silent. There wasn't the usual buzz that could be generally heard at this time of the day.

That and there weren't that many students roaming the corridors. Those who were all had there heads down casted as they passed Lily especially at least the seldom few who did pass her. Most would just smile and wink as James walked passed on a separate floor. Dumbledore had devised this plan. To have Lily walk with Madam Promphrey people would just think that she was going to the hospital wing before she possibly left Hogwarts. However when people saw James with Professor McGonagall, they would just think either he was completing Head Boy work that or he was in trouble. Going by his previous reputation, most chose to latter.

As James and Professor McGonagall entered the Headmasters office they saw not only Lily, Madam Promphrey, and Professor Dumbledore but also the minister of Magic and James's Parents. Everyone turned as they entered the room.

"Well it looks as if everyone is here. Rose. Harold." Dumbledore said addressing James parents, "I thank you for doing this. If you will, you can all floo ahead. I would like just a moment to speak with both James and Miss. Evans." Rose and Harold Potter both nodded as they grabbed some ashes from a small bowl on top of the mantel and each stepped into the fireplace.

"POTTER MANOR." they each spoke sternly.

James watched as his parents were dissolved in a swirling cloud of greenish black smoke. It was when Dumbledore began speaking that he turned his attention away from the fireplace to Lily.

Her face was pale. There were dark circles under her eyes like she hadn't slept in a few days. Her face held no expression, she was just blank. "Lily, I have contacted your sister and she expects your arrival in a few days. Until then, I hope it is ok that I made arrangements for you to stay with the Potters. Harold Potter is one of the best Auror's the Ministry has so there is no doubt that you will be safe there."

"Now as for when you can return to school. I want to give you as much time as you need or want…'

"I'm not coming back if that is ok with you Headmaster." Lily said gently.

James turned his head away. He couldn't believe that Lily really was never coming back to Hogwarts. She just had to come back. She had to. Closing his eyes he turned his gaze back to Dumbledore to see his expression.

"I understand your position Miss. Evans. But I will give you time to decided for sure if that is what you want. As far as your Head Girl position goes, if you decided to come back and you want to give up those duty's I will have no problem finding a replacement. Just take time to decided if this is really what you want." for a moment no one spoke after that. There was only a deep abandoning silence that followed until Dumbledore spoke up again.

"I really am sorry about your parents Lily. If you need anything while you are at the Potters, you know where to reach me. Now, why don't you both go ahead, I am sure the Potters are waiting on the other end."

Lily had only then realized that James was still in the room with her. For the first time there eyes met. Lily had never seen so much anger as she saw now dwelling in his eyes. Swallowing hard she stepped into the fireplace with a handful of floo powder. Throwing it into the bottom of the fireplace she disappeared within a matter of seconds. The last thing she saw was James eyes boring into her own.

* * *

The next few days were worse than any could have ever imagined. Lily stayed locked in her guest room all day long. James didn't even think she had eaten more than a few bites of food since she had arrived. The only time that she would even come out of the room was to take a shower or to take a walk to the nearest park which was only a short jog. It gave her the space and time to think.

James and his parents were worried to death about her. Harold Potter, James's father had told him not to worry about It and that it was just Lily's way of dealing with everything going on. She needed her space, James understood that. But being alone all the time was unhealthy for anyone.

It was three days after there arrival to the Potter Manor that Lily's sister finally contacted her. According to Lily's eldest sister the arrangements had already been made and there was nothing for her to do except show up at the wedding. When she received this news he could hear her pounding the floor with her fist. However when he had tried to calm her down, she had all but told him that she hated him. She had stormed out of the house and was currently residing in the backyard near the little stream that flowed near the edge of the woods.

"_Well this was going to be a very interesting two weeks." he thought to himself_

Looking out of the window he saw Lily setting near the bank, her knees pulled up to her chest and her head lying against them hiding her face. Pain and sorrow was all that James could feel. He couldn't begin to imagine how she was feeling, although he had a pretty good idea. James slowly closed his eyes as he tried to ease his thoughts. He was interrupted when he felt a comforting hand on his shoulder. Glancing behind him he came face to face with his mother.

"Hey mum." James said in a whispered voice

"How is she doing James?" as she moved closer to look out the window.

"Horrible. I heard her pounding on the floor with her fist earlier and went into to check on her and there was a letter from her sister on her desk and she was lying in the floor hitting and screaming at it…." James stated, "Then she yelled at me and stormed out."

"She is just going through a lot right now. James, do you remember when Kathy died?" her mother said as she grabbed her sons arm and pulled him down onto the bed beside her.

Kathy had been James's only sibling. When he was 4 years old, his mother had a daughter. James could remember always wanting to play with her and make sure someone was there for her. Even days after she came home from the hospital. James could also remember his mother and father rushing into his sisters room when she was only 5 months old screaming her name in horror.

Three days later a small casket was being carried through the local cemetery. At the time James didn't understand what was going on. He thought that Kathy had just been asleep and that the casket was just Kathy's bed. She had stopped breathing in the middle of the night, and no one knew why. One of the last things James could remember was his mothers heart wrenching sobs when he asked her where Katy was just a few days later.

"A little. I remember a lot of crying. You and Dad always looked so sad. For a long time you both did." James commented as he heard his mother hold back a sob.

"Yes, there was a lot of crying. But there was also a lot of pain. You were to young to remember or even know that at the time. It took me and your Father years to over come our grief, it took me a lot longer than your father though because I kept telling myself that there was no reason to continue living. That Kathy was the only reason, and since she was dead…that hope was gone…but you saved me. You made me remember that there was a reason that I needed and had to stay strong. You see, Lily just needs that comfort. She's lost and hurting right now. All she needs is a friend. Just don't let her push you away because if you let her, that will be the worst thing that could possibly happen." With that Mrs. Potter stood and left the room leaving James to linger in his thoughts.

It took him what seemed like forever to understand what exactly Mrs. Potter was saying, and even longer to realize what to do about it. Almost half an hour later, James sprinted out of his room, down the stairs, and out the back door. He was practically running to Lily's side. Breathing heavily he stopped about a hundred feet from her. Calming himself to a point, he continued forward at a condemningly slower rate.

"Hey" James stated as he sat on the bank directly beside Lily speaking of whom looked up at him with a grave expression. She was clearly surprised by this reaction but did not speak. "You know, I bet you didn't know I had a sister."

At once Lily turned from being slightly shaken to confusion within seconds. James had a sister?

"Her name was Kathy." James began. As much as he hated telling this story he knew that he needed to. " Not a lot of people knew about her. Of course, not that many cared to know her. She was born when I was four years old. I had been so excited about having a baby sister that I tried to be with her every second that I could."

For the first time Lily spoke. " When she was five months old, my parents went in to check on her…she had stopped breathing in the middle of the night. All I could hear were there screaming her name, and my mum crying." James turned to look at Lily for a split second to see her reaction but she was simply watching him. He then continued. "For years after that my mum was so depressed. She was always crying and I hardly saw her at all until I was 9 or 10. And even then she was pushing people away, not letting them in. She barley talked to my dad. It took her 5 years to realize that she had to be strong for me because even though she had lost Kathy, she still had me and my dad."

"My Mum had tried so long to push us away that it was hurting her more than it was helping her. After she finally realized that it was almost to late because she had almost been hospitalized……Lils I know that probably doesn't even come close to what you are going through. And the fact of the matter may be that I may not ever have to experience what you are. But all I am trying to do is help you."

"I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help so why won't you just leave me alone." Lily suggested harshly

"I don't care what I have to do to tell you this Lily but I am going to get this through your head…..You are not alone. You may think you are but you are not, and I will be damned if I just sit here and watch you push everyone away. Not when you need them the most."

Lily's head darted up as she caught the last bit of what he had said. How could he say that to her? He didn't have a right to tell her who she could and couldn't push away. It was her choice. James wasn't suddenly a decision maker in her life, and nor by her standards would he ever be. If she got hurt in the process of making a decision, it was a risk that Lily was willing to take. Especially if it could take at least some of her pain away. Even if it didn't take it all.

As for her needing anyone. The only person that she needed right now was herself. The only two other people that she needed were dead and they were never coming back. Suddenly she felt her breathing increase and come in frequent gasp. She couldn't handle this again. She was about to break down in front of James and that was the last thing that she ever vowed to do. She couldn't breakdown in front of James. She just couldn't.

Feeling a tear flowing down her cheek she buried her head in her hands once again. "Just go away and leave me alone!" Lily almost screamed. One of the only thoughts in her mind was, 'You can not breakdown in front of him. No. Never. I just can't' It was no use. No matter what she told herself not to do, her body was determined to do just the opposite.

James however didn't go anywhere as Lily had practically commanded him to do. He stayed rooted to his spot. He was determined that he wasn't going anywhere. Reaching out James put a comforting hand on her shoulder, just as his mother had done for him. "You don't have to be brave all the time. Sometimes it is good to let it all out. Please Lily, for Gods sake please don't push me away." James uttered

Lily couldn't take it anymore. Tears were flowing out of her eyes like rivers, as she glanced up at James. She couldn't take it anymore. Lily couldn't hold her emotions back like she had for the past few days. If she had, she was sure that it would have destroyed her mental being. Gasping lightly she fell against James chest sobbing. Just like the day that she had first found.

James instantly wrapped an arm around Lily comforting her the best that he possibly could. They stayed like this for what seemed hours. Just like they had in the common room that faithful night that she asked James to come with her to the funeral. This time however, Lily had fallen asleep in his arms. Giving a gentle smile he pushed a strand of hair out of her face and watched her as she slept.

It was nearing sunset when James finally decided to carry Lily inside. It was clear now that she was in a deep slumber. Slowly he picked Lily into his arms, cradling her to his chest as he walked toward his house. As soon as he reached the back patio, James's mother was there with the door open. He knew that she would be watch, making sure that Lily remained ok. As they stepped into the house James carried Lily into the living room and laid her on one of the couches, placing a pillow under her head, his mother pulled a blanket over her.

"Let her rest. She has a few long days ahead of her. The main thing being the funeral." James simply nodded at his mother words. "You know I am proud of you James. I never knew how much you really cared for this girl, but now that I have seen you around her… You really love her don't you." This wasn't a question. It was a fact.

"Yes I do. More than any one could ever know. I just really wished that she would realize that" James whispered as his gaze left his mother and returned to Lily.

If only either Rose Potter or James knew that Lily had been awake since she had been brought back into the house. She had been listening to their hushed conversation and felt a pit in the bottom of her stomach. _**He loves me?**_

_

* * *

_

The morning of the funeral was hard for everyone. Harold Potter had been instructed to escort Lily and James to the church and the cemetery where the funeral was taking place. More or less his job was to see if there were any unwanted visitors that may make Lily and her family a bit uncomfortable such as a Death Eater. In Muggle terms, Harold Potter would be very much considered a body guard.

James and Lily had agreed, on mutual terms, it would be best to arrive by Muggle transportation . Harold Potter agreed strongly with the idea and was happy that he wouldn't have to take the dreadful knight bus. Another plus by going by Muggle car was they wouldn't end up in a worse condition than when first leaving. That's exactly what would happen if they were traveling by the Knight Bus.

Glancing over at Lily in the Muggle taxi James frowned slightly. She looked absolutely dreadful. He knew that she hadn't slept or ate much in the past days but he hadn't realized until he got a good look how it was starting to take effect. Her clothes were loose on her. More so than usual and just by looking at her face you could see the toll that lack of sleep was having on her.

Even though he had noticed the different changes about her in the past few days, it seemed only if things were getting worse. That is, if that was even possible. Lately things seemed as if they were going from bad to worse, to horrible.

It was as he was about to turn his attention away from her that Lily looked up from her lap. James gave her an encouraging smile as if mentally telling her things were going to be ok. She seemed to understand and simply nodded. All Lily wanted was for this day to be over so that she could start her life over. Have a knew start. That's all she wanted. But the one thing she wasn't about to tell James was that she wasn't going back with him and his father to there home after everything was over.

Lily had every single detail planned out in her head. She had packed her things early that morning and used a charm to bewitch them so the trunk became the size of a small wallet, which was easy to carry in her purse. After the funeral and Cemetery Service she had planned to apparate to Diagon Alley and rent a room at the Leaky Cauldron until she could find a more permanent settlement.

The next phase of her plan was to find a job. Whether it be in the magical community or not. She didn't really care as long it paid reasonable and kept her mind preoccupied off of other things. The main thing being her parents and James. Lily felt bad for wanting to leave Hogwarts. It had been her home for so long that it would be like a piece was missing from her heart. But she could now say the same thing about James.

After successfully breaking down in front of James, not once but twice, Lily and James had bonded and there had been a relationship founded. Strictly on friendship, but a relationship all the same. She had no idea how she was going to break the news of her plan to him without him dying inside. That and trying to keep him from talking her into staying. That was the last thing that she needed right now. A reason for her to stay.

Even if that reason was James Potter.

Deep down she knew that she was making a grave mistake by leaving, but in another way she knew that it was for the best. It had to be this way, it couldn't be any other way. It just couldn't.

"Lily?" James asked curiously. Looking up, Lily noted that they were stopped in front of the car and James and his father had already stepped out. James having his hand extended toward Lily wore a saddened expression. "You ready?"

Lily didn't reply as she ignored James's extended hand and got out of the taxi cab on her own and observed her surroundings in great detail. Taking one last look she turned back to James and nodded. "I guess I am as ready as I will ever be." she stated as they moved forward toward the church were people were already beginning to gather.

From the corner of his eye James saw Lily shaking. Reaching over he placed a hand on her arm. "Are you ok?"

Chills immediately ran through Lily's body as she felt James touch her. If he hadn't been standing beside her, she would have probably jumped out of her skin and screamed at the top of her lungs. "I'm ok." Lily responded a little to quickly.

The one thing that scared James the most was not Lily's quick response to his question but the fact that she hadn't threw his arm off of her, or pushed him away. It was a miracle.

"James, I am going to go ahead and secure the perimeter. I will not be in the chapel for the service. I have your indivisibility cloak and I will be using it for the most part. I will meet you and Lily after the grave side service." Harold Potter said addressing his son.

"Lily, I wish there was more that me and my family could do for you and your sister at this point. All I know to say is that our home is always open if you need it, and we are all open if you need us to talk. We are always here. Now I must be going. I will see you two later." Mr. Potter continued to say as he turned to James and whispered in his ear as he walked by him

"_Keep Lily safe."_

Keep Lily safe? Was there a reason that his father had said this? Did he know something that no one else did? Things were not just adding up for James. Turning quickly his attention returned to Lily who looked as if she could pass out at any moment.

"Lets go" she said softly. She wanted to get this over with as horrible as it sounded. All Lily wanted was for her to be able to see her parents one last time before they would be laid to rest in their final resting place in a local Muggle cemetery right next to her mothers parents. All she wanted was to try and start over and not dwell in the loss of her parents. All she wanted was for everything to be normal again.

Heading up the steps to the church everyone that had been heading up to the church had turned to see Lily accompy by a handsome Youngman. Most figured that it was just her boyfriend and simply turned there eyes back upon Lily. Almost all of there gazes were filled with sorrow and pity.

Swallowing hard Lily felt James slip his arm around her shoulders for support. At this moment, she couldn't had been more grateful. Thinking bitter thoughts she turned away from the gazes of those people and focused on the person that she saw before her. Petunia Evans.

"Lily?" Petunia asked, her voice cracking just a little.

Lily simply nodded and left James as she rushed to her sister. "Petunia, I am so sorry." Lily muttered as Petunia seemed startled by the embrace but permitted it either way. As the sisters broke apart they were both crying slightly. Just the memory of why they were here was getting to them. Petunia was the first to speak after the embrace as she got a good look at James.

"Who is that?" she asked her eyes slightly narrowed as Lily stepped back toward James.

"Petunia, this is James Potter, a friend of mine from school." Lily began "James this is Petunia"

As James studied Petunias appearance he had to admit…Petunia looked nothing like Lily. The only thing that they shared besides their eye color was there similar facial features and that was about it. If he hadn't been introduced to her, he would have never guessed that was Petunia. "Nice to meet…." Before James could even get in a good proper sentence Petunia had interrupted him.

"More of your kind! That is why we are here Lily! Because people like them killed our parents!" Petunia screeched as she backed away from them. "Why would you bring one of them here with you?" she asked.

"My kind? Petunia we are not some kind of creature. I am your sister for gods sake and I am exactly what he is!" Lily argued back

"If you still claim to be what you are after what happened to our parents then you are no longer a sister of mine. How could you betray them like that? Its because of you and your kind that this even happened. If you hadn't went off to that bloody school then this would have never happened…" Petunia said as tears welled in her eyes. "Don't ever talk to me again."

* * *

The funeral itself lasted longer than anyone had expected. Of course there had been more people than anyone had expected for there to be. Most however didn't even bother to talk to Lily or check on how she was doing, all they cared about was making sure that Petunia was ok. Petunia seemed to be the center of everyone's worry. Most had basically forgotten about Lily. Maybe it was better that way she thought.

_If they don't remember me, or care to remember me…That will make me disappearing a lot easier if I choose to live in the Muggle world. _

She had been trying to keep her mind preoccupied as she sat through the funeral service. Lily couldn't stand to listen to the priest talking about her mother and father when he didn't even know them. He could barley remember his mothers name when it came down to it. It angered Lily more than anything. How could a stranger stand right there above her parents and talk as if he had spent every wakening moment with them? How could that priest have the decency to tell the people before him that they were in a better place now? And that what happened to them was tragic. Yeah right.

Probably the only detail that he had been informed of was that they had died in a car crash. That's what the Muggle news papers had publicized. Not that they had been brutally murdered by a group of dark wizards like the Wizarding papers had published.

As the funeral was coming to a close, the immediately family was allowed to view the bodies one last time. Approaching the casket Lily could feel herself shaking. This would be the last time that she would ever see her parents again. Trying to collect herself she reached her mothers casket first. She looked so peaceful. So calm. Nothing like the way she did in the nightmare Lily had…seeing her mother sprawled across the front lawn her eyes opened wide. Her father not but a few feet away in the same way.

Taking a deep breath she reached into the casket and laid a rose on her mothers hand. This was the last thing she would be able to give her parents. A single white rose in their caskets. It was hardest seeing her father. They had been so close, and just seeing him like this caused a burning ache in her chest as if it was ripping into pieces.

In the background a muggle song could be heard playing by the pianoist. Hearing it Lily couldn't control herself.

_Spend all your time waiting for that second chance  
For the break that will make it ok  
There's always some reason to feel "not good enough?  
And it's hard at the end of the day  
I need some distraction,  
oh beautiful release Memories seep from my veins  
They may be empty and weightless,  
and maybe I'll find some peace tonight_

_In the arms of an Angel,  
fly away from here  
From this dark, cold hotel room,  
and the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie  
You're in the arms of an Angel;  
may you find some comfort here_

_So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn  
There's vultures and thieves at your back  
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies  
That you make up for all that you lack  
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time  
It's easier to believe  
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness  
That brings me to my knees_

_In the arms of an Angel,  
far away from here  
From this dark, cold hotel room,  
and the endlessness that you fear  
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie  
In the arms of an Angel;  
may you find some comfort here_

Her hands were shaking so badly that James had to put a rose into Lily's fathers casket for her. Walking out of the church Lily was speechless. As was Petunia. Both of the sisters wore the same expression. Lily however looked like she was about to be sick.

Turning away for just a split second, he watched the crowd around them walking toward the cemetery on the other side of the cemetery. Petunia In the lead. Lily as he looked back was walking in the opposite direction. She was walking the longer route to the cemetery. James didn't know whether it would be better to just let her go off by herself or go after her. Deciding quickly what to do, he fell into step on her heals until he caught up.

Neither of them spoke a word as the approached the cemetery where Lily stayed as far back as possible from the graves. Just seeing her parents the way that they were now was enough. She didn't need to watch her parents being lowered into the barren earth around them but it gave her somewhat of a closure in doing so.

She had to close her eyes so that she wouldn't cry as the dirt was being thrown over their caskets. Everything was really happening. Reality was beginning to set in. Lily would never see her parents again. She would never get to see her parents smiles as they saw Hogwarts on her graduation day…that is if she even had one.

"Would you like to stay a bit longer?" James asked breaking Lily's original train of thought

Shaking her head she looked up at James out of the corner of her eye. "I just want to get out of here." she mumbled

He simply nodded his head in agreement. "I just need to go find my dad before we can head back…."

"I'm not going back James." Lily blurted out.

" What do you mean you aren't going back?" he asked cautiously. What did Lily mean that she wasn't going back? That she wasn't going back to his home? That she wasn't going back to Hogwarts?

"You and your family have done so much for me James. I just wish there was a way that I could thank you. I mean. You just being here helps, no one else had the willingness that you did to help me through this. Especially seeing how I treated you in the past. But I just can't stay here." Lily began biting her lip as she spoke.

"I can't stay here with the reminder that my parents are dead and that evidence will be everywhere around me. Especially back at Hogwarts. I just can't handle that. That is why I am going to get a room at the Leaky Cauldron. From there I am going to find a job far away from here. Get a flat and just start over."

James face had turned an ashen pale look about it. "Your running away from it all." James said abruptly.

"I am not running away."

"Then what do you call it? Giving up the whole life you know, just giving it up because something terrible happened." James inquired

"I call it getting a fresh start! I call it wanting to get away from the world. You have no idea what I am going through so you have no right to judge me James Potter. You have as much right to judge me as I do to judge Dumbledore. You have no idea what it is like to loose both of your parents. To have nightmares at night and be awoken by your own screaming because you saw your parents being murdered in front of your eyes." By this point Lily was sobbing and James looked like death. He knew he never should have retaliated but it was simply habit and instinct.

"You have no idea what it is like to wake up in the middle of the night and realize that it is your fault because your parents were murdered. That and to realize you won't have the opportunities that everyone else has. My parents wouldn't get to see me graduate, have a career, get married…have a family. You have that James. I never will!" practically screamed.

James swallowed. She was right. He didn't know what she was going through. "Please don't do this Lily. You can't give up on everything. On everyone." James whispered.

"Why not? Give me one good reason that I shouldn't leave right now, and never let anyone hear of me again?" Lily said as she felt James hands rest on her shoulders and pull her closer to him so that there eyes met.

"Because I love you."_

* * *

_

**A/N**

I would first like to apologize for the slight absence. I haven't had much time to update and when I did, I only had enough time to right a few paragraphs at a time….

So how did everyone like this chapter? I am sorry if it seemed like a little repetitive at times. That was because of the fact that I spent so much time pondering on what I wanted exactly in this chapter, which as you can tell might be the most depressing chapter yet. Although I do like this chapter I can't wait to write some more……HAPPIER chapters. Lol. And a little bit more romantic stuff. Of course before that can even happen, there must be a bit more drama…Yes you have all been forewarned. Although I do love strictly L/J romances I just though this chapter needed something a little more than…Oh Lily hates James and then all of the sudden she loves him…that stuff is just like….Uhhhh….. Anyway. I hope to update more often now that Christmas is getting closer…..hehehe….. Once my Christmas break gets here I am going to try and update at least once every two or three days if that is at all possible.

Well, please leave your reviews. They mean a lot to me because it shows me that people are actually paying attention to my story and not just reading the first few paragraphs and being like…"This is ok I guess…But It could be way better. No point in finishing the rest of this chapter unless something better is happening." Oh, and in case anyone is wondering, YES THIS HAS HAPPENED. So please read the entire story and leave your reviews whether you include creative criticisms or not, just say what you really think.

Sorry that this A/N was so long.

Until Next time!


	4. I love you?

**Essence of My Heart**

_A Harry Potter Fan-Fiction_

By Amber-Natasha21

**Chapter 4: I love you?**

* * *

**A/N:**

**I do not own any Harry Potter Character's, nor do I claim to own any of these said characters. I would however like to ask everyone for a favor after they read each chapter….. PLEASE REVIEW!**

* * *

_I'm running away from all I know.  
__Is this because of their sin?  
Saying goodbye to all that's good...  
And when I go, I don't say goodbye...  
Don't rip my heart out and then put it back again.  
I don't think I could take anymore this.  
I'm running away from all I know._

* * *

**FLASHBACK:**

"Why not? Give me one good reason that I shouldn't leave right now, and never let anyone hear of me again?" Lily said as she felt James hands rest on her shoulders and pull her closer to him so that there eyes met.

"Because I love you."

**END OF FLASHBACK**

* * *

**NARRATOR'S POV**

If Lily hadn't been in shock before. She defiantly was now. Had James just said that he loved her? Had he really said that? Lily asked herself as her breathing became heavy and her eyes strained to turn away from his gaze. "That's exactly why I have to leave." she whispered. If she didn't leave now, she would forever be reminded of what remained here. Of what she was trying to avoid.

All she wanted was an escape. Why couldn't James just understand that? Why couldn't he just understand that she wanted to get away from here? Get away from everyone she cared for. And everyone that cared for her. Why couldn't he just understand that? Why? "I can't stay here and pretend like it never happened. I can't stay here and just continue my life as if nothing has changed. I just can't do that. Why don't you understand that?"

Lily's voice was pleading at this point. She knew James. He would never let her leave without justification of her actions and even then, he would probably find ways, excuses for her to stay here. In this hell hole of a life.

"Why don't you understand that all is going to happen if you leave is you will be alone. Running away doesn't solve anything. Running away doesn't ease the pain. If you leave you will end up hearting everyone you love and yourself." James replied

"Who cares if I am running away. Who cares if I get hurt. Its not like I don't know what it feels like. Its not like the feeling is that new. I am used to getting hurt by now. Why not just a little bit more for good measure. Why not just let me leave and just let me deal with my life the way that I want to? What is it to you? You say that you love me. But you don't even know what love is Potter." Lily began her gaze bearing into the ground.

"You think love is sleeping with a different girl every night. You think love is determined by mere looks. Do you even know what love is? Do you have any idea what you were saying when you said you loved me?" Lily whispered. As her eyes finally met his. Did he know how much pain those few little words caused her?

James glance followed hers, " Maybe you don't know what love is Lily Evans. You have never taken the time in your life to even begin to understand who I am. You think, that I think love is determined by looks? Or simply sleeping with someone. Well you are dead wrong about me. You are the dumbest smart person I know Evans"

Lily flinched at the word dead and her gaze softened the slightest. "Who are you to say something like that. To say that I don't understand you. That I don't understand what love is. For starters, you are a big headed pompous jerk who only thinks about himself. You will never change. No matter what happens. You will always be the same arrogant person. Just give up already. And what the hell does, you're the dumbest smartest person you know actually mean?"

"And another thing. I know exactly what love is. Its where you feel that close bond between another person and yourself. A bond that is so precious that it can be taken away from you in a matter of seconds. You never know what love really is until you experience. Or you lose it forever." Lily's voice was growing softer and softer with every word.

There was a momentary silence among them both. James was trying to compel all that she had said and make sense of it in his mind. He knew that she had to be talking about her own parents. Was he being selfish? Trying to get her to realize that the main reason that she should stay was so she could be with people that love and care for her…to get her to stay so that he could prove his love to her?

Yes. He was being selfish. Selfish probably wasn't even the right word. More like….there wasn't even a word to describe his actions but selfish. Finally after a few minutes of silence and neither of them bothering to look at each other, Lily spoke.

"I'm not going to fight with you Potter. Its my choice to leave and mine only. You nor anyone else can make me change my mind. I'm leaving and that's that."

James shook his head in defeat. He knew deep down that there was no way for him to stop Lily from doing what she wanted. It was her life. "Fine. Do what you bloody hell want to do because I am tired of trying. I am tired of trying to prove to you how much everyone cares for you. Go! Have a happy life being alone! But I will tell you this now Evans. You are making the stupidest mistake that you will ever make."

"No. The stupidest mistake I ever made was asking you to come here with me." And with that Lily vanished into thin air leaving James slightly stunned by her actions

* * *

It had been one week since James Potter had seen Lily Evans at her parents funerals. It had been one week since Harold Potter had been assigned by The Order of The Phoenix to keep a secret eye on Lily Evans at her current residence in Diagon Alley…. And it had been one week since Lord Voldemort had been informed by a reliable source that Lily Evans was no longer on the protective means of Hogwarts Magic. That she was no longer protected by Dumbledore's ever watchful eye.

Prodding in a separate corner of the room a young man, just around the age of 14 or 15 was standing slightly weary as he awaited the arrival of his master.

"Regulus. Ah how nice to see you again" Tom Riddle laughed as he swiftly moved around the other side of the dark, dampened room. "How is that dear brother of yours? Still think that he can avoid my rule for much longer?"

" Master." Regulus greeted. He knew better than to say to much. He also knew better than to speak unless directed to. He had learned this in a previous mission. The mission which involved the murder of the mudbloods parents.

"I have a very important mission for you Regulus. Since you proved your strength by helping to kill the girls parents. I do not see why this task would seem nearly as hard. I want you to bring me the girl. Alive preferably but if she causes much grief than I understand. If you can do this, then I you will become a very reliable source for me."

Regulus smirked ever so slightly. This would be a piece of cake. After all. What could stop him from getting to her? However Regulus shuddered at the thought as he saw himself back at the Evans home, trying to gain enough nerve to kill them. "Yes Master. She shall be here by midnight tonight." Turning to leave he was stopped in his tracks as he felt a cold hand brace him and whisper in his ear.

"You know the consequences if you can not do what I ask. Run and you die." Voldemort laughed.

* * *

All but meals, Lily Evans had stayed locked up in her room in the Leaky Cauldron staring out the window at all hours of the day. At most she usually got two hours of sleep a night. If she even dared try to get more than that, the nightmares would slowly creep back into her midst. And that was one thing that she really couldn't handle.

So far Lily had been able to acquire a small job as a house keeper at the Leaky Cauldron until she could find something better. In return she received room and board. Which as far as she was concerned was better than nothing at all.

Glancing down at the street below her she saw hundreds of people walking the streets. Most were stopped in front of shops, window shopping, just glancing in at the various objects that each shop had. Some were standing in front of Madam Malkins. Smiling gently she remembered the first trip that she had ever made here to Diagon Alley. It was only two weeks after she received her Hogwarts acceptance letter. Back then, there were more shops, and more things to do. Unlike now.

Even though Diagon Alley was fairly lively, a lot had changed in the past few months. For starters shops were slowly closing due to the threat of a new rising power. Things were slowly dimming in the once bright streets were happiness was found in nearly every corner….now darkness was starting to emit its reign.

Pulling her knees up her chin she let her mind wander, as she had much of the past few days. Mostly in truth she had been thinking about James Potter and what he had told her before she had left him so abruptly standing there without hardly an explanation but that she was running away and he wasn't going to stop her. She didn't blame him at all for what he told her. For what he said. For the way that she acted. Lily just hoped that she hadn't hurt him too much. After all, she was the one trying to protect him from being hurt. For being hunted just like she knew that she was.

It seemed like hours that she had been setting here staring restlessly down below her when she saw two familiar faces. Mr. Harold Potter and Albus Dumbledore were strolling just under her, and they were headed straight for the front entrance. Great. She thought helplessly to herself. They had finally found her.

How could they? She hadn't told a soul except. James…He wouldn't thought. That is unless he knew what was going on. But even then he would try and handle things his way.

Racing over to the bed, she pulled her trunk out from underneath it and began throwing everything she could find of hers into it. Scrambling to get it shut she used a quick spell to shrink it so it would fit into her pocket. Grabbing her last belonging, a picture of her parents off the table she scrambled toward the door swinging it open. Running as fast as she could she made her way toward the back entrance. Suddenly she heard voices approaching rapidly, and in haste she pushed herself into an empty hallway. Trying her best to shield herself in the darkness as she heard Dumbledore and Harold Potters voices grow louder and louder.

"Albus, what if they have already found her? What chance do we have then?" She heard Mr. Potter ask

"I strongly doubt it. I am sure Voldemort is just now figuring out that she has not been at Hogwarts thus is not protected by any of the magic that protects her there or by the Ministry magic."

Lily had to put a hand over her own mouth to make sure that her heaving breathing wasn't heard by anyone around them. Especially not at this moment. As they passed by Lily breathed a sigh of relief and removed her hand, letting it fall to her side. That feeling of relief however was cut short as a new and unfamiliar set of hands gripped her from behind covering her mouth with their hands. Another pair of hands were holding her arms behind her back.

"What's going on? What's happening? Where are they taking me?" she asked herself frantically

"Say anything. Do anything, and you die. Just like your filthy parents did." it was a deep voice admitting from the small framed person whom held such a tight grip on Lily that she felt herself bruising. Suddenly, and without warning, they were moving. She was being dragged across the hallway toward the steps leading out doors. Scared to death Lily began to do the only thing that she could think to do on a minutes notice, and in a situation like this. She squirmed trying to break loose from this persons grip.

After a few seconds she realized that, at the rate she was going, she would get no where. Finally she tried one of the last thing that she could think of and that was bite the person's hand as hard as she could. In the process, the person who had been holding her quickly released her jumping back squealing but only momentarily. Another set of hands gripped her by the arm holding her back.

"Lucious GRAB HER!" someone from behind her yelled as Lily screamed as loud as she could covering the voice. It was a blood curling scream that could be heard throughout the building. Moving her body in odd directions she squirmed her way free. Everything was happening so fast it seemed like event after event after event.

"HELP ME! SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!!!" Lily shrieked as she looked behind her to see how far away from her were and hopefully get a small glance. All that she saw was a bright red light coming straight toward. Without warning, she felt herself falling toward the ground.

* * *

Bright lights were gleaming in the windows upon her. She had to wink several times before she could ever get her eyes adjusted to her surroundings. Where was she? What happened? As she stared up at the ceiling above her she heard several different voices. All of which seemed so far away they were hard to tell apart.

Within a matter of seconds there were three people that she recognized standing above her. Madam Promphrey. Albus Dumbledore, and Minerva McGonagall. "Where am I?" she whispered. Her throat cracked slightly as she spoke.

"Your in the Hospital Wing Miss. Evans, now don't try and move to suddenly. You had three fractured ribs, and a broken wrist." Madam Promphrey said as she began examining Lily's healing wounds the best that she could. "How are you feeling my dear?" she asked.

"Like someone stabbed me in the chest" she replied trying to take a deep breath. All that she accomplished was a sharp pain piercing her chest and side.

"Do you remember anything that happened?" Madam Promphrey asked again. This was going to go on for a while. Lily knew it.

"I just remember someone grabbing me." Lily stated as she closed her eyes. It was as if she was reliving every moment, every second of it. The last thing that she could remember was seeing a bright red light and then compete darkness. "How long have I been here?" she asked.

" About a week. You were at St. Mungeo's for two days and then you were brought here. You have been asleep ever since." Professor Dumbledore spoke up. "Those people that tried to kidnap you Lily, we captured them and they are setting in Azkaban Prison at this very moment. Lestrange, and Lucious Malfoy Sr. You are safe now." he said as he sat on the edge of the bed and reached over and grabbing something off of the night stand beside her.

Following his every move Lily saw what looked like hundreds of cards and gifts piled onto not only that stand but the bed on the opposite side of her. Seeing her curious and surprised gaze Dumbledore gave a halfhearted laugh. "Ah, yes, you have had many visitors over the last couple of days. It seems that when it appeared in the Daily Prophet that Head Girl Lily Evans was found being kidnapped and then hospitalized, they took the liberty of making sure that you know how they felt. They all are wishing you a fast and speedy recovery according to this one."

Lily looked slightly shocked. All of these people cared enough just to send gifts and other things? "I'm still Head Girl?"

"I don't give up on anyone Miss Evans, I knew that you would return. Although I do wish that it had been under normal circumstances." Professor Dumbledore said as he rose from his spot, " You have been exempt from any of your classes for one week, so please take it easy Miss. Evans. You wouldn't want to end up right back in here now would you?" And with that Dumbledore, with Professor McGonagall left the Hospital Wing leaving Lily both appalled and confused. One week? She had already missed almost a month of classes. How was she ever going to catch up on all that work?

* * *

Two hours later Lily Evans was released from the Hospital Wing. She was told by the school nurse that she couldn't carry or light anything over 5 pounds due to the three broken ribs that she had been unable to heal. And with her broken wrist, that was in the process of mending, it didn't look like she would be doing much the next few days. Walking slowly down the corridor she saw that the castle was practically abandoned.

She figured that everyone must have been In the Great Hall seeing as it was almost 6 o'clock and that was exactly when dinner started each night. Feeling her stomach rumble at the thought of food, she couldn't remember the last time that she had even eaten. It must have been before she had been hospitalized.

Deciding between either going to her dorm and just sleeping she decided to head to the Great Hall and get a bit to eat. She didn't even fully get the concept of how many people there would be in the Great Hall. Either that or she didn't think about it all.

Taking it one step at a time, she began to examine the castle just as she had the night that she had arrived as a measly first year. She hadn't realized when she had left that she could miss Hogwarts as much as she had the day that she had been setting in her room at the Leaky Cauldron, staring aimlessly out the window of her room.

It took approximately 20 minutes to reach the Great Hall. As she opened the double doors and looked inside she saw everyone in the room turn to see who had came to dinner so late. This was exactly what she hadn't expected. As she stepped inside she saw the gasp and saw that people had began to whisper. As she started toward the Gryffindor table she saw that it wasn't only students looking after here like she was some kind of weird outcast, but so was most of the teachers.

Glancing down at her feet for a few seconds she looked up to see James Potter setting just a few feet away from were she was standing. Clearly he looked both surprised and exuberant. Walking forward a few more steps she looked at him clearly. "Mind if I set here?" she inquired

She wouldn't have blamed James one bit if he had said no to her request. If he had, Lily would have understood. She had told him plain out, after knowing that he was trying to help her through everything, that she was running away from everyone, everything, and him. Although she had left on false pretenses she knew that she would probably never be forgiven by the way that she had treated him.

Especially the day of the funeral.

James had told her that he loved her.

And she had ran as far away from that fact as possible…or at least she thought she had.

"Lily!" Remus said jumping up from his seat. As he embraced her in a hug.

"Ow. Ow. Ow. " Lily whispered in his ear as he did so. Remus quickly jumped away when he realized that she was in pain.

"Oh, Lily I'm sorry…I didn't realize…" Remus began to say hastily

"No, it's fine Remus. " Lily replied as she looked up at him, "Just still a bit sore, Madam Promphrey had a hard time healing my broken ribs." she said as she eased into one of the seats. Her gaze immediately met James's who seemed as silent as a dead man. Which was very unusual. Particularly for James.

As dinner began, James still hadn't said a word to her. It was beginning to make Lily wonder why exactly he wasn't talking. She would have figured that he would have been one of the first if not the first to speak. Her assumptions were greatly wrong. Finally giving up she decided to speak. "I'm sorry ok?" Lily blurted out as she looked at James.

Both Remus and Sirius looked confused at the sudden out burst, but only grew more confused when James spoke.

"Your sorry? You could have been killed out there! And you almost were!" James said slamming his fist down against the table. As he received many stares.

"Well I am bloody sorry, that I was almost kidnapped and murdered." Lily alleged

"Did you for one minute even think about what I told you before you ran away like that? Do you know how long that I looked for you before I had to find my father?" he asked

"I thought about it every minute so don't go critizing my judgment." Lily stated a bit more harshly than she should have, "Who were you to even say that? Why did you choose then to say that?"

"Well it seemed like a good time as ever to me. Plus do you really expect for me to let you go and not say it? You needed to hear it as much as much as I needed to hear it." James pointed out as Sirius spoke up.

"What in the world are you two talking about????" Sirius interrupted

"Shut Up!" Both Lily and James barked at Sirius as they turned and glared at each other.

"Fine then. I was just trying to help. Come on Moony. I can see we aren't wanted her anymore." Sirius wined as both he and Remus stood from the table and made their way out of the Great Hall.

"Just because you said it doesn't mean that you actually meant it." she said gruffly. She didn't like the sudden turn that the conversation had taken. All that Lily had planned for was a calm dinner, and then she just planed to head up to her dorm and get some rest ignoring James altogether.

But…

Don't you know?

Plans are always ruined. At least for Lily they are.

"You Don't think that I meant what I said?" The hurt that James felt was clear in his voice.

"How could I? You told me…you told me right after my parents funeral. How could you be so insensitive!" she whispered turning away not bothering to look at him, as she noted how many people were still staring after here. "Mind your own business" she murmured.

"You know. What was even the point now that I think about it. Its obvious that you don't, nor will you ever feel the same way, so you know what I will do you the trouble and just leave on my own." he then did as he said he was going to. Watching him stand and walk off tour Lily to pieces.

Did she really like him? Kind of. He was a good friend and he had been there for her during her parents funerals. But he was so arrogant. And self absorbed. Not to mention how defensive he could get, and that got on her last nerve. Mainly when he tried to take up for her. Like she was incapable of doing so for herself. Although James did have many flaws, he also had something's that were…superior about him. For one, the fact that he looked after his friends so much. Another was that, he always tried to make someone feel better when they were feeling at their all time low.

He was a generally nice guy, who not only had a overall good personality, but also looked fairly nice. Lily smiled to herself at the thought and then let her gaze fall to the double doors at the head of the Great Hall. Moving as fast as he body would let her she walked out of the Great Hall a new found realization hitting her the moment that James had left her.

He was right.

She had to find him. The only problem with that was, she had no idea where he had took off to. The first place that she knew to check was the Gryffindor Common room. Besides classes, and the Quidditch Pitch, that is where he spent most of his time. As she reached the Fat Lady she felt her heart pounding in her chest like it was about to exploded. The thing was, she didn't know if it was from the nerves or the fact that she felt like someone was stabbing at her side.

"Lemon Drop" she whispered as she entered the Common Room glancing around she saw exactly whom she had been looking for. James was standing directly above Sirius and Remus who seemed to be playing wizards chess. Glancing up when he heard the Portrait swing open Remus Lupin saw Lily heading straight over toward them.

"Hey Lily" Remus greeted causing James to look up from the Chess board to Lily who was approaching them.

"Hey. What are you doing here?" James asked looking up to see Lily standing directly in front of him.

"I lied." Lily said softly

"Oh this is going to be good." Sirius Black interjected

"What? What do you mean?" he was clearly confused at what she was saying. Both Sirius and Remus had momentarily forgotten about their game and watched intently what was going on between Lily and James. It wasn't everyday that you hear Lily Evans saying that she lied about something. Heck it wasn't every day that you say her approaching James Potter even remotely calm. Usually she was screaming at him by this point.

Lily couldn't help but glance down at the floor before she looked up at James. Biting her lip she prepared herself for what she was about to tell him. " I love you to." and with that, Lily leaned up and kissed James on the lips.

* * *

**A/N:**

**Hey guys, sorry about the absence a while back. I know that it has been a while since I last posted and I am really sorry about that. With the Holidays, I just haven't had time to do much. That and with school added into the equation, things have just been so out of hand. I barley have time to sleep anymore.**

**I am also sorry about promising you guys a chapter every week, or every other week. I wish I could have held to that commitment but things really didn't work out the way that I planned. In the middle of November, a little after I posted my last chapter, my best friends mother committed suicide.**

**So, it has been hard on everyone in our community because everyone knows everyone basically, and the people you aren't kin to, you are best friends with. But I apologize yet again for letting everything be left the way that it was. Unfinished. Believe me, I have been trying to get this chapter finished up since the middle of November, and here it is already January. But enough about me, now it is truly about you, the readers.**

**Please tell me what you think of this chapter. There were quite a few things going on. From Lily running away from her problems, to almost being kidnapped in the process. I think that, in itself disserves a review. Yeah..REVIEWS are crucial to this fan fiction because I would like to take the feedback that you guys give me and incorporate it into the fanfic.**

**I know that this chapter wasn't the best ever, but it was all that I could really put together given everything that has gone on. So enjoy! And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!**


	5. It's Your Love

**Essence of My Heart  
**_  
A Harry Potter Fan-Fiction  
__  
By Amber-Natasha21_

**Chapter 5: It's Your Love**

**

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A/N:

I do not own any Harry Potter Character's, nor do I claim to own any of these said characters. I would however like to ask everyone for a favor after they read each chapter….. PLEASE REVIEW!

* * *

_Better than I was  
More than I am  
And all of this happened  
By taking your hand_

_And who I am now_  
_Is who I wanted to be_  
_And now that we're together_  
_I'm stronger than ever_  
_I'm happy and free_

_Oh, it's a beautiful thing_  
_Don't think I can keep it all in, no_  
_And if you asked me why I changed_  
_All I have do is say your sweet name_

_It's your love_  
_It just does something to me_  
_It sends a shock right through me_  
_I can't get enough_  
_And if you wonder_  
_About the spell I'm under_  
_It's your love_

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* * *

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FLASHBACK:

"I lied." Lily said softly

"Oh this is going to be good." Sirius Black interjected

"What? What do you mean?" he was clearly confused at what she was saying. Both Sirius and Remus had momentarily forgotten about their game and watched intently what was going on between Lily and James. It wasn't everyday that you hear Lily Evans saying that she lied about something. Heck it wasn't every day that you say her approaching James Potter even remotely calm. Usually she was screaming at him by this point.

Lily couldn't help but glance down at the floor before she looked up at James. Biting her lip she prepared herself for what she was about to tell him. " I love you to." and with that, Lily leaned up and kissed James on the lips.

**END OF FLASHBACK**

**

* * *

**

NARRATOR'S POV

"Are you seeing what I am seeing?" Sirius said excitedly in Remus's ear.

"If you are talking about your horrifying breath in my face then yes I do…." Remus began to say as his attention was moved toward the scene in which Sirius was pointing toward. "Holy Shit is Lily kissing James?" Remus asked with much curiosity.

* * *

James didn't even have time to think, let alone say anything before her lips came crashing down upon his own. At first, he thought that he was imagining things but it wasn't before long that he realized that it was actually happening. Lily Evans was actually kissing him. Within just a few seconds, it was apparent that neither of them were breaking the kiss willingly. They were both too wrapped up in the heat of the moment.

It wasn't until they heard Sirius cleared his throat that James and Lily leaned up from their kiss. Instantly James's eyes drifted down to Lily whose face was redder than her hair, if that was even possible. "Wow." James whispered to no one in particular. Five minutes ago, he would have only dreamed that Lily would ever willingly kiss him. Now it was reality.

"_Oh my God! Did Lily Evans just kiss James Potter?" _one student practically screamed across the Common Room.

"_She did!" _another exclaimed

"_I thought that she hated him?" _someone asked

Hearing whispers all around them, both James and Lily broke their gaze with each other. What they saw slightly surprised them. Lily had thought that the Common Room had been empty when she had entered. However as she looked around, there were students of all ages surrounding them. Each and everyone were staring in both confusion and awe at the scene Lily and James had created.

"I can't believe I just did that." Lily stated as she looked up to James.

He was sure that she was going to storm out, and blame him somehow for what had just happened. For the second time that night, he was wrong. Lily was not mad, nor was she any bit upset like he had figured. She was ecstatic! "I'm glad you did." James stated in reply.

"Would you like to go somewhere a little more private and just talk?"

* * *

It had taken James Potter nearly one year to confess to Lily Evans his true love for her. It had taken even longer to try and convince Lily that he wasn't just "Chasing After Her" he actually loved her. Nevertheless, it had taken Lily Evans only a matter of minutes to realize that she had been in love with James Potter for quite some time.

As they strode across the Common Room toward the portrait of the Fat Lady they continued to receive glances as well as a few select glares, most being meant for Lily. She almost even told one of them to take a picture it would last longer but knowing the current situation that may not be the best choices of words.

"Where are we going?" Lily asked hesitantly. Yes, she had wanted to talk somewhere a little more private but at the moment she had no idea where James was taking her.

"Somewhere were I know no one will be able to spy on us, and somewhere were we can't see anyone else." James replied as he continued forward as if looking for something on the wall. Having just exited the Gryffindor Common Room Lily herself knew that their wasn't another door, hallway or classroom anywhere near where they were for at least a few hundred more feet. Was he mad? Lily thought to herself. Why was James staring so intently at an empty, unoccupied wall?

Stopping dead in her tracks, it took James a moment to realize that Lily was no longer following him, "Where are we going?"

"Just trust me." James whispered as he glanced between her and a tapestry of Godric Gryffindor was hanging a few hundred feet away. Suddenly and without warning, the tapestry fell to the floor in a heap and became invisible. Their was not even a shadow of a trace of its existence.

As Lily watched in amazment James couldn't help but to smirk. The Room of Requirement was such an amazing and beautiful thing. It was much like the Legend of the Chamber of Secrets; People have heard of it but most even though they have tried to find it, only a few have been successful. As the door completed its transformation James stepped forward and opened the door. "We have to hurry before someone sees us."

"Why? What is this place?" Lily asked curiously

"Because besides Remus, Peter, Sirius, Dumbledore and I… well… and you now, are some of the few that knows where and what this place is. It is untraceable." James replied as he continued to usher Lily through the doorway.

"And I repeat myself , what is this place?" It took James a second before he replied as he looked to make sure that no one was watching as he closed the door shut behind them. He hadn't even bothered to notice the awe in Lily's voice when she had spoken. Turning around to see her, he saw her walking in a circle around the room admiring everything.

The walls were plastered in a deep scarlet red, with a soft golden trim. The Gryffindor symbols and flags were hanging delicately across the ceiling of the room over shadowed by a sky roof. Along two of the four walls were two book cases with any book that you could ever imagine whether it be by a muggle author or by a wizard author. Just about everything imaginable was available. The last thing that James noted that was in the room were imitations of the Gryffindor Common Room sofas, chairs, fireplace and table. "This is the Room of Requirement."

"The Room of Requirement? I thought that it didn't exist?"

"No, its very much alive. Literally. Anything you want this room to become…" James began to say as Lily interrupted him.

"Is what it will become. I know of the stories I just thought that it was like the Chamber of Secrets just a legend among legends." Lily stated crossing the room as she sat in one of the arm chairs nearest the fireplace.

"Ugh please don't tell me that you think that the Chamber of Secrets doesn't exist?" James asked as he plopped down in the chair beside Lily

"Its not that I don't think that it exists, its that I think that it isn't anything more than a legend. And before you try an say I'm wrong, where besides Hogwarts a History have you ever heard The Chamber of Secrets being mentioned? Besides the story that it was founded by Salazar Slytherin, no one has ever proved its existence. Even now it can't really be proved." Lily retaliated

James thought a second about what she said before he replied, "Its real. Otherwise a girl wouldn't have been killed here at Hogwarts because of it. Just ask Moaning Myrtle about it."

"Moaning Myrtle how could she possibly know about the Chamber of Secret she's just a…" it was then that something clicked in her brain.

"A ghost? Yeah.. Ever think of how she got that way? She was murdered in the Girls bathroom that is why she haunts it. Along with the majority of the drain pipes." James said with a smile. " Anyway, enough about Moaning Myrtle, lets talk about US."

"Is there even an us?" Lily asked as she pulled her knees up to her chest and wound her arms tightly around them.

"Do you want there to be?" James asked as his eyes fell on Lily. Slowly and surely James stood from his chair and crossed over so that he was hovering above Lily. Gently, he kneeled down so that their eyes met more closely. The only thing that he saw was Lily turning away from his gaze and closing her eyes.

Reaching his hand up, his slid his hand hers and squeezed it. "I'm not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you and I hope that you would never think that."

"I'm not scared about me getting hurt." She began as she paused gathering her words in her head, "I'm scared that if I get to close to you that I will lose you too, and I just can't handle anything else like that." Lily replied her eyes still were closed but James could see that she was on the verge of tears.

"Nothing like that is ever going to happen. I promise you that I would never leave you. I would never do that, and if it counts, I know that you have heard me say this a million times, but I love you and I mean it. Lily Evans, you stole my heart from the moment that you stepped of the Hogwarts Express for the first time and you and only you hold it captive. Its' your love that keeps me going and only your love." he stated as he leaned up and let his lips lock with Lily's. "Lily will you be my girlfriend."

It took Lily a few minutes to process his words and debate within her own head, if that is what she really wanted. Did she need to be with James? No she didn't need to be with James, but every moment that she was away from him she could feel a piece of herself missing. Within a matter of seconds later, Lily had moved from her previous place in the chair to the floor where she was leaning against the chair with her head on James's shoulder. Looking up into James's dark chestnut, hazel eyes Lily spoke. "Yes. I will be your girlfriend."

* * *

"Oh my god…You did what?" Lily squealed in laughter as she looked up into her boyfriends eyes. They had been in the Room of Requirement for near on three hours now. The time not spent snogging and gazing romantically into each others eyes, was filled with laughter.

"I was drunk I didn't have any clue what I was doing." James muttered as his face turned an unsettling shade of red, that Lily had never seen before.

"James Harold Potter, did you not once boast to me that you could remember anything and everything when you were drunk? You even said that you wished that you could go to class drunk because maybe you would actually learn what is being said so that you don't end up coping Remus's essays. Then I said that you a pig headed, arrogant…" Lily began to paraphrase as James continued her sentence for her.

"Jerk who needs to quit wasting their time partying at all hours of the night and actually try to be a good student. Yah I remember I was just hoping that you wouldn't." James said smugly

"I still can't believe that you kissed Remus!" Lily said slightly appalled. "How did you not no that you were kissing him? I mean, I can kind of understand if it was like a stuff animal, or even Sirius but Remus?"

"ugh" he groaned in defeat. "Will you ever let me live this down?"

"hmmmm I am not sure yet, but when I decided you will be the first to know. I can't believe that Sirius doesn't ever use this against you when you two start bickering over stupid things. I'm pretty sure that this could fall under that category." Lily replied with a smile.

"Lil." James groaned pouting as he playfully pushed her out of his lap and crossed his arms. " We have only been going out for what three hours now, and I am already starting to wonder If I was ever in my right mind." he continued.

Lily pretended to look hurt by his comment. "Now that was mean. I think that I will just go back to the common room now, and spend some time with Sirius. Maybe he would like a little mind refresher about his best mate. " she whispered looking up to James from her current position. Slowly, she stood and attempted to head toward the door as she felt a sudden hand reach up and entwine with hers spinning her around. Coming to a abrupt halt as her and James were now centimeters apart, James spoke.

"How about we call it even and we forget this conversation ever happened? We can go back to the Common Room and try and restore our dignity as we continued to get started at as the entire castle begins to gossip" James suggested, leaning down to kiss her cheek.

Lily laughed as she moved just as James leaned in to peck her cheek with a kiss, so that his lips met hers. Smiling Lily leaned up as she felt James gently squeeze her hand.

"Come one, if we don't get back soon, I can only imagine some of the stuff that Sirius will come up with. " James said tugging Lily behind him as they made their way back to the Gryffindor Common Room.

"Why the rush James?" Lily whispered with a smile.

"The quicker that we get to the common room, the quicker that I can announce our fantastic news. That you, Lily Marie Evans, is my girlfriend."

* * *

What Lily and James did not know however was that Severus Snape had ducked behind the statue of the witch on the seventh floor corridor after hearing voices approach. He had been speaking with Peter Pettigrew with one of the desolate, empty class rooms on the seventh floor. Figuring since it was getting late, Snape never figured to that he would encounter anyone. After all it was nearing curfew. As Lily and James grew closer, Snape was able to hear exactly what they were seeing and for a few seconds he gained a glance of the two. Lily was willing holding James's hand as she smiled brightly to what he had to say….

"_The quicker that we get to the common room, the quicker that I can announce our fantastic news. That you, Lily Marie Evans, is my girlfriend."_

….Her and Potter were together?

* * *

"Ahem…If I may have your attention please, Our lovely and adoring James Potter has an announcement to make." Sirius said jumping up from his position on the couch onto the closest table.

"What's with the big pre-show Pad? Its just all of us? I mean its not like everyone is listening into our conversation." Remus stated as Lily shifted nervously beside James.

"You never know, this is Hogwarts mate, and you know as well as I do, there are no secrets in this place. I mean, this is like gossip central. Plus, you already know that these bloody gits in the portraits are going to be listening and knowing half of them, they will spread the news like wildfire. So just get on with it!" Sirius debated as he looked up at his best mate.

"Well, as you all know, I have been chasing after our dear Lily hear for nearly seven years now. At first It was nothing but a game. Like that muggle T.O show…. Oh what is it called…..oh yeah, Mom and Petty…that's it I am pretty sure."

"James, its called a Television Set and don't you mean Tom and Jerry?" Remus said correcting him

"No Moony, I am sure that it is Mom and Petty… I mean who would create a television show called Tom and Jerry, that is just so stupid." James replied as he cleared his throat avoiding Remus's comment about how stubborn James could be. He merely smiled. " Anyway, as I was saying…. Up until third year, I thought of it as a chasing game, but it became more than that. I was drawn by her beauty, her will power, her strength, and many other things. The most important thing I think was her resentfulness toward me. She was the only girl that would ignore me no matter what I did…" Receiving a few glares from Sirius and Remus to hurry along the story he paused dramatically

"Come on mate, I will die from boredom if you don't hurry along, either that or I will fall asleep." Peter Pettigrew said speaking up.

"Lily Marie Evans is now my girlfriend. That quick enough?" James said with a smirk as he took Lily's hand in his and kissed it.

"You actually said yes to this git?" Sirius said smirking

"Was it a mistake?" Lily asked with a smile

"Well, we will have to test you to make sure that you weren't given any love potions after all, you did practically make out with him in front of the whole common room this evening. Oh and by the way, James, your fan club is on a rampage to assassinate Lily flower. They disapprove of the events that happened earlier." Remus said sincerely.

"Well you know what I want them all to know?" Lily said directing her voice toward the staircase. Lily knew that their were students lining the walls listening. "It's none of their business whatsoever, I can date who I please, and they can get over. Just like the little spies can get over this." leaning in she took James yet again by surprise as her lips pressed urgently against his own. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she became lost in the kiss.

Both heard several whistles coming from the staircase as James leaned up from the kiss seeing Lily's bright red face.

"I can't believe I just did that….AGAIN!" Lily half whispered half squealed her gaze fell to the ground

"I would advise you all to get to bed, or at least back up to your dormitories, I am sure none of you would want detention for missing curfew by just a few minutes?" James asked as the group that had been standing on the landing of the staircase suddenly scattered in different directions."

"Well that is one way to get someone's attention." Peter murmured

"Yes, it definitely is." Remus replied with a yawn.

"So is this what is like for you guys watching me snog some willing, amazing, random girl?" Sirius questioned moving his gaze away from the two lovebirds

"YES!" Remus and Peter said in unison

"Oh….Well in that case….GET A ROOM!" Sirius said with a smile

* * *

Sleep did not come easy that night. James sat up wide awake well into the early hours of the morning. Excitement had the best of him. Rising from his current position on his bed he scrambled over to his desk. Looking around hastily for a piece of parchment and a quill, James finally found what he was looking for.

_Mom and Dad,_

_How are things at the manor? I am sure that with Sirius and I at Hogwarts, it is much quieter. Anyway, I was just writing to just give you an update of life at Hogwarts. Well, Sirius and Remus are doing well. Remus is copping pretty well this year with his, __**"furry little problem" **__but I can tell that he is scared about what may happen after we graduate. He thinks that we are going to let him fend on his own. He won't listen to reasoning at all, I think that you really need to talk to him. _

_As for Sirius, he is still as rambunctious as ever. Although, the detention amount has lessened, he is still pulling every prank he can think of. Now I am beginning to understand how you two felt all these years about me. He however, I think is also struggling with the thought of leaving. We all are, and it is becoming more apparent as the days pass. Even though the year has barley started, it is something that is constantly on our minds. _

_Now, for my reason for writing this letter. Lily. She is doing very well, I can see it in her eyes every day, that the depression is slowly fading. Although the pain still lingers, I think her heart is slowly healing. There is so much that I want to say to help her, but I have no idea what that may be, or how I could even begin to describe it. I don't know what I would do if I lost either of you. I would be lost without your guidance and without your love and assurance. Now mum, please don't start getting all mushy and start crying. I want this to be a happy letter, not a sad or depressing one. _

_As Sirius has probably told you, me and Lily have been becoming close friends. I think Sirius might actually be jealous, but anyway. Well, to make the long story short, I told Lily how I felt…Yes, I know that it may not have been the right response, but I couldn't take it anymore, she was driving me absolutely mad! Oh, and did I mention that she accepted my request/question to be my girlfriend? Lily is actually my girlfriend. And dad, before you say a word, no I did not put any love potion into her drink. I think that she actually meant when she said yes. I am just so happy, but I am also scared. I have this unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I am so scared that I might hurt her. I just don't want to cause her anymore pain than what she had already endured. _

_I hope to hear from you both soon. With love,_

_Your son,_

_**James **_

* * *

James.

Just the thought of him caused a slow smile to spread across Lily Evans face as she felt her stomach turning flips. The previous night, Lily had finally admitted to James how she felt about him. Lily never thought it would feel this good. If anyone asked her last year whether or not she could actually enjoy kissing James Potter she would have cursed him or her senseless. But now? Now she couldn't imagine _not_ being able to enjoy it.

Lily glanced over at her bedside table where her watch was laying. It was 6:45 in the morning. She had been lying in her bed for nearly an hour. If sleep had evaded her for this long then it wasn't planning on returning anytime soon. Begrudgingly she pulled the covers off and stepped on to the floor. Letting out a tiny shriek as her skin connected to the freezing stone, she shuffled her way to the rug in the middle of the room to warm up her feet.

Finally feeling as though the stone would be bearable enough for her to touch, she left her bedroom and headed straight for the bathroom. Once inside and she had access to a mirror she was horrified to find her hair was knotted and tangled and there were slightly dark circles under her eyes. Those few days in the hospital wing were beginning to show on her, and despite the fact that it was most definitely worth it, the physical toll on her was most certainly not a desired after effect.

Lily reached into the shower and turned on the water. Then after pealing off her pajamas she stepped into the shower. Instantly she felt her muscles begin to relax and the knots fall out of her hair. The steaming warm water ran down her back and she could feel the stress from the last couple of days pour off her. She began running her fingers, that were laced with her strawberry shampoo, through her hair. Soon she was wrapped up in enjoying the feel of a warm shower and the smell of her shampoo. So wrapped up that she never even noticed the sounds coming from two rooms over.

The bed creaking as someone moved around in it, the sound of curtains being shoved back, the floorboards creaking as someone moved across them. By the time Lily finished with her shower she was feeling completely refreshed. She wrapped a big fluffy white towel around her as she stepped out of the shower and cleaned the fog off of the mirror. She noticed her skin, slightly pink from the warm water, and then shook her red –now stringy – hair out of her face. However when she opened the door to the bathroom she was slightly horrified to find a surprised James outside, his right hand raised in a fist ready to knock on the bathroom door.

Lily stood there in the doorway, a bit like an idiot, for nearly thirty seconds. James seemed shocked at first too, until he slowly let his eyes roam over her body and he noticed what she was wearing, or rather wasn't wearing. A slow smile spread across his face as he took in the sight.

"Hello Love," James finally said grinning. "I love the wardrobe." He ran his finger along the edge of her towel running down her side. Lily jumped back a little and she could feel her face heating up in embarrassment.

"I uh… I have to get dressed," Lily muttered.

"So I see," James responded, his smile getting even wider.

Lily's face turned – if possible – even redder, and she rushed back to her room closing the door behind her. Lily waited until she heard the running of water from the shower before she allowed herself to fall face first onto her bed while she was still wrapped in her towel.

"Well that was terribly embarrassing," she mumbled to herself, her face muffled by the pillow. And as much of the idea of spending the rest of the day lying on her bed, letting herself be consumed by embarrassment she was well aware of the fact that eventually she would have to get dressed. Pulling herself off the bed, she made her way to her closet drawers.

Making her way through the different assortment of clothes located in her closet. After what seemed like an hour, Lily pulled on her favorite pair of jeans, with an emerald green halter top which showed a little more skin than Lily's usual preference. Today however was a different occasion. Today was the day that Lily was being revealed to the world, (Hogwarts), as James Potter's girlfriend.

_This will be fine _she told herself as she made her way over to her mirror to do something with her hair and apply the little make up that she usually wore. Lily sat there running a brush repeatedly through her hair until it was laying flat. Lily was stalling and she knew it. Once leaving her dorm – or rather the common area downstairs – she would have to face the rest of the school. Everyone was bound to know what happened. After all, there had been people standing in Gryffindor tower practically watching her snog James the night before. Lily had spent seven years avoiding James and now it was all over.  
Not that she minded in the slightest. But that didn't stop her nerves from sending unearthly sensations throughout her entire body.

Lily took another glance at her watch. She had been stalling long enough. The sound from the shower had ended nearly forty – five minutes ago meaning that by now James would be waiting for her as soon as she left her room. Grabbing her wand off of her night stand, she pleasantly bounded down the stairs, still slightly surprised to find James waiting on her. She knew that this was probable, but she figured that he wouldn't want to wait an extra thirty or so minutes, and miss out on an early breakfast with the Marauders.

Standing tall at six foot and two and a half inches), and he had decided to put on a pair of dark denim jeans and a nice fitting white tee shirt. Looking up from his current position, against the wall at the bottom of the stairs with his arms folded, James's head turned as he saw Lily bounding down the staircase. It was then that James saw that she was smiling nervously.

_That beautiful, wonderful smile. _

James leaned down and placed a long lingering kiss on her lips. Before she could have a chance to reach up and wrap her arms around James's neck she felt him pull his face away from hers.

"Hey," James said smiling at the dazed, yet happy look on Lily's face.

"Hi," Lily breathed. _Damn Potter and his ability to make me breathless._

James finally released Lily long enough for him to glance at her up and down. "You look beautiful," he commented.

"Oh," Lily said tugging at her shirt, her cheeks turning a faint pink. "Thank you."

There was a long agonizing silence before James finally made a gesture towards the portrait hole. "Do you plan on staying here all day or would you like leave for breakfast."

"Oh! Um… yes…sure, of course." She could have just slapped herself right then and there. He was making her nervous! Of all things! _What is wrong with me! I mean its James. He's never made me nervous before! Why the heck now! Oh I know why….JAMES POTTER IS MY BOYFRIEND._

Her mind kept going through possible reasons why she kept making a fool of herself while James threaded his fingers through hers and led her out of the common room. Apparently she had been quietly thinking for quite some time because James came to a sudden halt and Lily nearly jerked forward. Confused, she turned around to look up at James. He was looking down at her with a worried crease in his forehead, before he finally closed his eyes and gave a deep sigh.

"Lily, what's wrong?" He asked, the worry wrinkle was back in his forehead.

"Wrong?" she answered. "Nothing is wrong."

"Lily," he said, "You haven't said anything in almost " – he glanced at his watch – "fifteen minutes. I don't _ever_ remember you being that quiet for that long, unless you were studying." He cracked a small smile before it dropped from his face and he looked worried again. "So why are you all quiet now?"

Lily paused. Had she really been quiet for that long? Well of course he noticed something was wrong. Lily chewed on her bottom lip and looked down at the floor. After a moment she let out a deep sigh and ran her hand through her hair.

"You make me nervous, ok!" she blurted out.

"I make you… nervous?"

"Yes, you make me nervous! When you…when you wait for me, and hold my hand. And when you kiss me… and this morning with the whole bathroom thing…its just different. I am still getting used to having a boyfriend again….." her voice trailed off as she felt her face fill up with heat, thinking of this morning. Already mortified she looked up James.

He was grinning! _Why that cheeky little…! _He looked as if he was going start laughing at any moment! Lily crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. "It's not funny!"

James pressed his lips together. "I wasn't laughing," he denied, though as he was saying it the corners of his lips turned upward again.

"I just find it interesting," he continued walking a little closer to her, "that after all these years, _I_ make you nervous." He was standing right in front of her so Lily had to raise her head higher. She crossed her arms tighter and stood her ground.

"Its not just that," she insisted. "What about when we go to The Great Hall for breakfast. Everyone is going to be staring at us."

James's worried look came back. "So what, who cares."

Lily bit her lip again. He _was_ right to an extent. Not that she'd admit it. She finally uncrossed her arms and moved them down to her sides.

"I just don't want people talking about me."

Lily looked up to see a look of understanding cross James's features. He placed his hand on her waist and pulled her closer. "They're going to find out eventually," he said. "I mean, Sirius and Remus know, and you did kind of snog me at the bottom the staircase in the Gryffindor tower last night, and said that you could care less what everyone thought or said."

Lily gave a deep sigh and placed her forehead on James's chest. "Yes I know, but that was last night, this is this morning. I wasn't nervous last night."

"You have to go to breakfast sometime and get something to eat."

Lily looked up. "No I don't. I'll be fine."

"Yes you do, that's not healthy. And besides you might as well get it over with."

Lily took a step back and placed her hands on her hips. "James I am not going down there where all those superficial, gossipy girls can talk about me."

James walked right up to her and bent down till he was at eye level with her then, before she could realize what he was doing, he gave her a huge smile, wrapped his arm around the back of her knees, and stood straight upward causing Lily to turn upside down, her face next to his back.

"James Potter!" She shrieked. "You put me down this instant!" She began beating her hands against his back as he started walking down the hallway.

"No need to be difficult," he chided. James gave a little laugh and bounce as he went down the last set of stairs leading to The Great Hall.

"James!" Lily moaned. "Please! You're going to make me sick."

"You haven't eaten yet, remember," he jeered, though he did slow his pace a little.

Now Lily's arms were hanging limply, she gave up beating his back somewhere around the last staircase. "Really James," she groaned. "I get motion sick."

"Ok, ok I'll put you down. We're in front of The Great Hall's doors anyway."

With one swift movement James pulled Lily from the back to the front, but before Lily could be placed on the ground she wrapped her legs around his waist in a cobra like grip, threw his arms around his neck, and pressed her forehead into his shoulder.

"Just" – she took a few huge gulps of air – "just don't move for a moment ok. The room is spinning." James looked over at his shoulder and was worried to find the side of Lily's face, her complexion nearly two shades paler.

"Oh Merlin Lily, I'm sorry," he moved to put her back on the ground.

"Don't move," she mumbled. James stayed in place for a few moments until Lily's breathing slowed and she lifted her head so that she and James were a few inches from each other. "I'm fine now."

James ran a hand up to her cheek, which was just beginning to get its color back. "I'm really sorry," he said quietly rubbing the pad of his thumb up and down her cheek. James was close enough where Lily could count the little flecks of gold in his eyes, and getting closer. She instantly felt her heartbeat speed up and her breath quicken.

He leaned in and slowly placed his lips on hers and her mind went into a complete euphoric frenzy. The same feeling she felt back in the hospital wing with their first kiss came rushing back. That same hazy, dizzying, heat that she had never felt with anyone else. Lily hitched herself higher and ran her fingers in through his hair. James ran his hand down to her neck while his other hand rested lightly on her knee and Lily felt shivers shoot up her spine. This was nothing like the kiss the previous night. This kiss was passionate and full of energy

They were so distracted that neither noticed the great double doors leading to The Great Hall opening next to them. They did however notice a loud cough coming from that same direction. James quickly tore his lips away. "Oh you have got to be kidding me," he murmured. "Again?"

Professor McGonagall was standing in the middle of the double doors, her arms crossed, her glasses sliding down her nose as she peered over the rims. The once happy couple stood stock still in complete shock. It wasn't until Professor McGonagall coughed again that James realized that Lily was still wrapped around his waist and the two sprang apart from each other like a spring-loaded trap. Lily's face was now matching the color of her hair and even James had the decency to look down at the floor, slightly embarrassed.

"Mr. Potter, Miss Evans," McGonagall lectured. "I am sure that being Head Boy and Head Girl you both are well aware of the rules regarding public displays of affection and though the rest of the student body may have appreciated your little… display, that does not change the fact that it is against the rules. Lets not let it happen again."

With that Professor McGonagall swept from the hallway, but not before Lily could notice a small smile tugging on her lips. However when she and James turned around she was mortified to find the entire Great Hall silent. No one moved, no one spoke; every student at every table was staring slack jawed at the two of them, their eyes nearly falling out of their heads.

"Oh damn," Lily murmured as she felt James's hand grip hers tighter encouragingly. Glancing around, Lily saw that most everyone now was either whispering to their friends as they stared in awe or they were glaring at her.

An eternity was what it felt like it took to get to their seats on the Gryffindor table where Sirius and Remus were both setting. Peter was no where in sight.

"Sirius, what exactly did you say, and who exactly did you tell?" James asked as he sat next to Lily, not letting their hands fall from each others grasp.

"Me? James why must you always accuse me of such things?" Sirius asked pouting as Remus spoke.

"Because you have an abnormally large mouth, that can't stay shut." Remus commented with a smile causing Lily to suppress a laugh.

"Well, I will have you know that I had nothing to do with this gossip, you two are at fault, after all, Evans here did snog poor Jamsie in front of half of Gryffindor Tower last night. Blame it on them. Plus I think someone must have mentioned it to Peeves because he was extraordinarily happy today." Sirius replied sticking his tongue out at James like a five year old would do when trying to make a good come back.

"Peeves? Sirius please tell me that you aren't serious?" Lily asked as she checked over her shoulder and saw that people were continuing to stare and she found her face turning red.

"But…I am Sirius so how could I not be serious? Oh and that reminds me, is everyone ready for the random quote or fact of the day?" Sirius swallowing a mouth full of eggs

"ugh…again with the random facts? Pad, why don't you try and be just a bit normal?" James asked wearily

" I am normal, what are you talking about Jamsie Poo. Anyway to ignore my best mate all together, here is the fact of the day! A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee."

* * *

**A/N:**

**Hey guys! What did you think of this chapter? I know that I haven't exactly been the very best person in the world lately but I am seriously trying. I think I finally have my personal life for the most part straightened up so now I can focus for a little while on writing. Maybe I can at least get two chapters out this month. Now that summer is here I will certainly be able to concentrate more.**

**Anyways…What did you all think of the song lyrics choice for this chapter? (It's your Love-Tim McGraw; Faith Hill) I know that this song probably isn't the best in the world but I think it really describes the whole theme in this chapter. But I know that the ending…well….sucked…I was really out of any ideas so I just came up with something. Hopefully the next chapter will be much better. **


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